In an exclusive interaction with YS Weekender, Anuradha Gupta of matrimonial service firm Vows for Eternity spills the beans of being a global matchmaker and how marriages have changed over the years.
The arranged introduction is now more about how you connect and converse beyond how you look and present yourself.....
Continue reading “Personalised matchmaking sees uptick through covid”
The groom says, ‘We are now husband and wife, and are one. You are mine and I am yours for eternity.’ The bride accepts and says ‘I am now your wife. We will love, honour and cherish each other forever.’
Can I actually belong to someone? And that too for eternity? As childish as that question is, it is also deeply profound. I can’t belong to someone as I am not a possession and even if I was, not everyone treats possessions with care. And all this holds true for the man in my life too. So much about being together is about space. The lockdown has made finding that space even harder for so many of us. When we were younger, reading trashy, fictional romance, the idea of belonging to someone seemed giddily glorious. It’s like never letting go of that new doll, the poor doll can never articulate how suffocated she is and sometimes, neither can we.
At a casual, girly lockdown dinner a couple of days ago we talked about how worried we were about going through isolation and forced quarantining as a family. It’s incredible how we now discuss wills, rooms in which we isolate and other such awful things with much ease. We also chattered about more mundane, everyday things like not getting on each other’s nerves and familial sanity, coming to the conclusion that so far, we are coping. So many others have not been so lucky. We were shaken with the news of close friends’ separating a few weeks ago. Forced confinement can do that to seemingly normal marriages. When we are so used to leaving the front door and having the next ten hours to ourselves and our vocation of choice, forced togetherness is jarring and sometimes ends perfectly sustainable relationships. They realised they were unhappy. They just grew out of love.
My husband and I sit on different floors as we snake through our Covid induced ‘working from home’ regimen. It’s incredible how quickly you make a space your own, with you own mess, clutter and warmth that make it all the more comfortable. We can still hear each other on conference calls, meet at the dining table for a quick snack and remind each other of chores we promised we would do. We are homebound but have tried to create both physical and mental space. We know we have to do this. Adapting to new situations always questions relationships and ours is no different.
Seven long vows where we promise to commit, promise to procreate, promise to honour and promise to love – do we really need to do all this to be with someone? The simple answer is no. In today’s day and age none of this is necessary and yet so many of us do it. Why? For me the original answers were, not wanting to be lonely, enjoying the romance a relationship brought and more importantly – family.
After 15 years of being together, the bond we have created, the family we have nurtured and the laughter and happiness it has brought us has been worth all the arguments, fights and sleepless nights. As I write this, the doubts creep in though! I hope we continue to have the resilience, maturity and love to keep at it for another 15. I have called these vows of marriage archaic, sexist yet democratic and even all too similar as I blogged through them, but writing about these promises has reminded me why I bothered with marriage in the first place. So far, we have stayed committed, we have stayed honest and even though the sparks in romance have changed, they are still very much there. More than all these emotions, there is deep friendship that has developed with an inter-dependence that feels scarily irreplaceable. I have learnt that matrimony is not for everyone, it is not essential to make you complete and it certainly comes with a million flaws including the in-laws!! But for the hustle and bustle all these relationships bring, they have brought with them a sense of family and strength, that I will cherish forever.
When we circled around the fire, making those vows and promises that the priest chanted in his happy singalong, it’s the two sets of parents sitting on either side that actually understand the solemnity of the occasion most. They have lived and breathed those promises, some successfully and some not, just like so many that are waiting to congratulate and bless us as we finally come to a standstill. As the blessed grains of rice and perfumed petals come showering down on us, I did not know of good fortunes and difficulties to come, I presume the whole idea of pomp and colour at the occasion is to celebrate how special the ride ahead will be. As I relive those moments, all I can hope for is that the promises we have made will hold us together, not because the words chanted bind us but because we have created new reasons over the years that will keep us together for decades to follow.
Credit: The Railway Woman
During the Sixth Vow, the Groom asks his bride, ‘Now that you have taken six steps with me, you have filled my heart with immense happiness. Will you fill my heart with happiness like this forever?’ The Bride promises, ‘I will always be by your side’.
Fifteen years on I have realised that these seven Hindu vows are terribly similar. Of course, I will absolutely promise to fill my husband’s heart with happiness when I am in the midst of all the pomp and gala that an Indian wedding brings. The “forever” part must have escaped my ears in all that din and noise. A decade and more on, I could not have done too badly to get this far but for as long as this journey continues I definitely want to do better.
I never want to take the love and happiness I have for granted and yet “forever” means that we need to be there for each other for a long time. And is that not what happiness is – the ability to expect things from a partner because we are in each other’s lives till kingdom come? Many years ago a married friend said of his marriage as it was ending, “I always thought my marriage would resemble my parents’, you get married, and then you die!” He meant that he always expected the marriage to last forever, he just did not know that you have to “work” at it till death, or in his case divorce did them part. It came as a shock to him that after years of dating his then wife, once they were married, it fell apart very quickly. It was a lesson and memory that stayed with me, and one I will never forget.
In the early years of heartache and heartbreak I always felt that it was important to establish the expectations one had from the boyfriends. Funnily enough, growing up in Delhi, if the boyfriend did not make sure I got home safely, he was just not good enough! Sexist as it may have been, it was important to me. I have never stopped reminding my husband that on our first meeting at a friends’ home, he did not offer to follow my car home after a late dinner. In an unsafe city, it felt like it was the norm. I have been offered several excuses for the act since! Years later, my husband and I still let each other know we have reached our destinations intact. All it takes is a phone call or a message and it makes us happy to know we understand that about each other. Ask any man in a relationship and he will tell you that If you just let him know what you want, as opposed to making him guess, he will be much happier. The XY chromosome is just happier with established fact than overthinking what could be.
What changes as a relationship grows is that romantic walks, hand in hand, with shoulders brushing and hearts thumping cease to exist. Walks in lockdown are about steps, fitness, keeping up and a little competition. They won’t end in a stolen kiss but a rush to the loo to wash your hands and getting on with the rest of your day. In our heads, we know that we spent time together, even if we discussed children, bills and to do lists in the time that we walked side by side. We decided recently that we needed to walk 15000 steps a day, 6000 of those should be together. Its all part of the romance!
After we have spent a significant amount to time together and for a lot of our parents that’s closing in on the golden 50 years or more, the space we have been giving each other to keep our relationships happy and healthy starts to close in. I have noticed that the same company that was annoying when overdone is now valued much more. Pre-Covid my septuagenarian parents had started going to the movies together again, something they had not done in a long time. My mother circles and shares a newspaper article with my father who is 2 metres away because she knows he may have missed it. They walk together every evening because it is now routine, they are possibly still arguing about something mundane as they burn the miles. Neither is walking ahead of the other, they are finally in step. The happy news of the day is that their backs are in similar shape too, so all is in sync with a swanky new harder mattress now on which they will lie gleefully side by side. Happiness as a marriage ages is in enjoying these small pleasures to the absolute max, because they are finally content. There is nowhere else they would rather be- they have found “forever”.
Credit: The Railway Woman
The groom says, “You are my best friend, and staunchest well-wisher. You have come into my life, enriching it.” To this the bride says, “I promise to love and cherish you for as long as I live. Your happiness is my happiness, and your sorrow is my sorrow. I will trust and honour you and will strive to fulfil all your wishes’.
It is in our nature and purely Darwinian to follow the theory of survival. Putting yourself first. Selfish as it may sound, it is how we are built. So how do you shape yourself to put someone other than your own flesh and blood before yourself? With a lot of mistakes, arguments and self-reflection is the answer I think, and it will always be work in progress for as long as we may live. When we acknowledge this as a couple and trust that our actions convey our best intentions only then can we be the best of friends. Or so I hope!
The adage, “You can choose your friends but not you relatives” holds so true for when we get married. I met my closest friends when I was 12 years old. It did not take us long to become friends, we slept in beds next to each other at boarding school. Did we know then that we would grow to cherish that bond 35 years on? Not at all, but it taught me what friendship was. Letting your friends be who they are, standing by them through good times and bad, playing together, fighting and making up but never letting that bond diminish. And it is no different when it come to a spouse. Never try and change them, all the other bits and bobs from the sentence before, and again, never letting that bond diminish. Only then will your spouse be your best friend.
PS: Don’t try and replace the friend with the spouse or the spouse with the friend. That way you lose both! Equally, while it would be great if they got on, the friend and spouse don’t need to be best friends. Respect that boundary. This is a realisation we grow into and if the bonds are strong both the friend and spouse will respect your choices.
The small things matter so much when you fulfil wishes for friends and family. My husband just walked in with fresh bagels from our favourite bakery, my wish for the day came true. We try to keep it simple. If I wished for something unattainable, I would be wishing for a long time. My son has been wishing for a dog for a while, it is a bit unattainable right now since I am not ready for a third child in the house! My husband wishes I would finish filing away the papers on my desk, that is also a bit unattainable right now, as the pile is really a bit big. Let’s continue to keep it simple. I’ll throw away some of that paper into the recycling bin first. He will just have to trust me to get it right!
Trust is the biggest five letter word I know and it certainly should be. Once lost, I think it would be very difficult to build back in any relationship. There are so many things I trust my husband with – our children, our finances, our wellbeing as a family and without question, he trusts me back. If either one of these are broken the damage would be irreparable.
What is honour? It is so hard to define. In marriage it could mean honouring the promises we make as well as showing respect for what we bring to each other and our relationship. I respect the order my husband brings to our life, I am terrible at taking care of the nitty-gritty. What I bring is strength and belief that we can weather any storm, I bring calm when the waters are rough and both of us know our strengths and honour them. And that I believe is Trust.. with a capital T.
As a family, when one member in the household is unhappy, it reflects on everyone. Whether that is through a bad temper, sulkiness or just a bad mood on a very bad day. All three options are completely dismal but we have to trust that tomorrow will be brighter. When I am angry and upset, everyone is upset. When my husband is angry or upset, we are all on edge. So just by default, that section of the vow holds true. Want it or not, his sorrow is my sorrow and my sorrow will certainly be his – its inescapable!
So far, as I go through exploring these seven vows, I feel humility holds the key to some form of success in a relationship. It takes away the anger and the ego, it helps in both sorrowful and euphoric moments. Selfish as we may be, if we apologise for our mistakes and recognise and acknowledge that we are making them, it will make for a stronger bond. I have to tell myself that quite often. But sorry does seem to be the hardest word – Elton John has been melodiously preaching that while plonking away on his piano for many years now!
So much of what I write is true to my thoughts and beliefs. For every couple and every marriage this will be different. Trust, honour and respect could bring divergent and contrasting meanings in different people’s lives. In my little cocoon, this is what they mean to me. Today they remind me that I have to respect the promises I have made, because in this topsy-turvy world, in good times and bad, we need to hold on to each other to pull through and chug along. My spouse is my constant and my soulmate… and so is my best friend, just in case she is reading this!
Credit: The Railway Woman
The groom thanks the bride: “You have brought sacredness into my life, and have completed me. May we be blessed with noble and obedient children”. The bride swears to serve and please the groom to the best of her abilities. ‘I will shower you with joy. I will strive to please you in every way I can’.
Together, the couple takes a vow to take care of and respect the elders in their family.
Traditions, culture and celebration are different in every family. I do like my children to hear a language that is mine even if they don’t speak it. It gives them an understanding in tone and passion how I feel about them, and their actions and gives me comfort in knowing that they understand how I feel. They are neither noble nor obedient, but are learning to explore the complexities around respect. Being brought up away from India, their upbringing is very different from how mine was. They don’t have the cackle and bickering with cousins that both my husband and I found so familiar. It was in this company that we learnt respect, boundaries and familial bonding. We have to find new ways for our children to imbibe the value that respect adds to conversations and relationships as you grow older. In this day and age if my children are to display any form of nobility, I hope it will be in treating peers and people older than them with this gesture that I value more and more as I grow older, and be humble, acknowledging that they will always receive, if they have it in their nature to give.
Trying to please someone is such a large-hearted gesture and not everyone has the ability to do it. I don’t think I do it enough. While I might have the right intentions and want to make sure I am pleasing those that I love, its probably sheer laziness that gets in the way. I was watching an old Pakistani play with my dishy Fawad Khan the other day. In it, a mother advises her newly married and professional daughter to do the small things for her husband, gestures that in turn will bring them closer. She explained that her husband will feel loved if she takes pleasure in doing little chores for him. This holds true in every generation and I really believe that it is sound advice for both halves of a couple, no matter how independent or egalitarian they are. Whether it be making a cup of coffee, calling in and asking how the day was, a hug as you leave the door or a smile as you walk in. There is no ego and zero sexism involved. Sometimes, that’s all it takes to shower someone you love with joy.
Through the last few months, being in lockdown, we have made sure we speak every day to our family in India. We call our parents, speak to them about inane and mundane things, just so they don’t feel too isolated. My husband calls and discusses golf games with my dad, I call and discuss the grandchildren and household chores with my mother-in-law. My mother tells us of the air conditioner that has stopped working and my father-in-law of the number of people he is telling off for not wearing a mask. We giggle and share stories and I know that at the end of the day both my husband and I appreciate those small gestures, in which we have shown respect for those that are older and have shared love for a family that has bonded over the little things.
When someone visits our home, they joke about over eating even before they begin a meal. I remember, from an era gone by, my grandfather covering his plate with his hands when he finished eating his meal so no one could serve him another morsel. He always said that if you refused something with your hands gesticulating behind the plate, there was always room to add another spoonful of something to tempt your palate! I also remember my great-grandmother cooked ghee-soaked parathas that somehow always sneaked into my grandmother’s plate. Dadi loved them but her mother could never understand that her diabetes and debilitating stroke did not allow her daughter this love drenched feast. My grandfather always smiled and teased them out of Dadi’s plate and passed them to all the dribbling grandkids at the other end of the table. The joy in pleasing those that you love remains the same today, just as it was in 1980, the indulgences are possibly mildly healthier! These stories have stayed with me as a reminder of not just funny anecdotes about those that are no more but as cherished memories of the lessons I learned on serving, giving and sharing, that I hope I pass on to the kids every day.
I have to tell myself all the time that there isn’t a lack of respect if my children call out my mistakes. It’s healthy and it’s right. I could never do it when I was young, it was always perceived as rude. Respect is defined as “a feeling of deep admiration for someone elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievements.” If my children are fearful and don’t question me when I am wrong, the feeling they will have for me will be anything but respect and they will never notice my abilities and achievements. The same stands in the promise of marriage. I do hope that we can keep calling out each other’s faults with empathy, love and respect. Who knows, if sometime in the future I crave chocolate cake that isn’t good for me, it will magically appear into my plate, in the spirit of joy and giving that we promised several decades ago.
Credit: The Railway Woman
The chant for the groom, “May we grow wealthy and prosperous and strive for the education of our children, and may they live long.” The bride promises, “I will love you for the rest of my life, as you are my husband. Every other man in my life will be secondary. I vow to remain chaste.”
So many thoughts cross my mind as I read this vow. Fawad Khan is hot! Why must I be chaste and not my husband, and what an old-fashioned word “chaste” is. And while I might think Fawad Khan is hot, my male children at this point are more needy, therefore they come first, my husband follows a couple of steps behind! Poor Fawad is really not in the picture at all. I am already failing this vow on multiple levels.
When I really think about it, the prosperity and comfort I already have brings my family decent healthcare, education, and to be completely honest a ridiculous amount of cricket lessons! But when I win the lottery, I want a spacious new house. We worry many times about how we can inculcate a sense of both ambition and aspiration in children that have not been denied very much. I truly believe money and comfort should come from hard work. We have worked very hard to provide our children with all that they have, education being a prime example of what we spend our earnings on. But how can we teach them that without the drive and resolve to achieve, they will float in mediocrity, something that is part of my worst nightmare. There are certainly those to whom their fortune has come easy but behind it has been someone else, burning the midnight oil so they can frolic in inherited wealth and luxury. So, when I promise my children good education it has to include an underlying drive to do justice to the tutelage they have been given, by striving to do the absolute best they can, in whatever their chosen path may be. Only when we are able to blend education with aspiration and a hunger to achieve will our promise be truly fulfilled.
On Dussehra, the festival where we blow Ravan’s multiple heads to smithereens, my family traditionally beseeches the gods to bless us with intellect. As a symbol, we place our pens in the “pooja” and pray for bravery and intelligence so our written words can win the battle of good over evil. Intelligence is our weapon of choice: much like the ancient battle in question, we believe it was intelligence that killed the demon king when the arrow was pointed at his source of power, which was not in his ten heads but in his navel! If only Ram could request Ravan through prose to return his chaste wife, the Ramayan would be a very different story! Religious Studies, Mathematics, and Latin are therefore the school’s job to teach the kids, none being my forte. I would like to educate my children on equality, respect, and freedom. They must be free to question religion, practice it if they feel it brings them peace and comfort, and question it when my silly rituals make no sense to them. I must find respect in the choices they make, though some of them are already questionable! They must always have the freedom to be my equal in intellect and question my thoughts and idiosyncrasies. This will hopefully expand both their minds and mine and take new-found values into the world, to make the choices that suit them most.
As a couple, we have to work on ourselves to make sure every other man in MY life remains secondary!! And again, how sexist is this vow when it asks for a woman’s chastity but not a man’s in the same breath. Boredom is what pushes couples into infidelity as much as it is unhappiness and there are unfortunate experiences that are strewn across all our paths to see. I hope over time we are able to keep the sparkle in our relationship and are still able to catch each other’s eye from two corners of a crowded room and read the other one’s thoughts. As social as we are, we still gravitate towards each other by the end of an evening out, knowing it is time to go home.
Love changes as our relationship grows. How can we vow to love someone and maintain that exact same emotion over a period of time? There is no longer an overwhelming feeling that invades me when I think of “love”. It is love when we laugh at a silly joke, because we get it at the same time, it is love when he makes tea for me every morning, it is love when I miss the tea he makes while he is travelling and it still love when he gives up his favourite chair in the living room so I can catch the sun streaming through at the right spot. Of course, there are days our love is tested with quarrels and disagreements, and the next morning I need to express the love in my tea-making skills!
Here’s hoping we tweak our vows to suit ourselves as the years go by, vows in which he will promise to be equally chaste, I will still enjoy Fawad Khan’s hotness and the chair in the living room will still be there, when I need both love and sunshine to brighten my day.
– The Railway Woman
The groom says, “Together we will protect our house and children.” The bride promises, “I will be by your side as your courage and strength. I will rejoice in our happiness, and you will love me and me alone”.
I was watching “The Sky is Pink” with my husband a few nights ago. It was a film made by filmmaker Shonali Bose, based on a true story and starred Priyanka Chopra and Farhan Akhtar. I am not going to give you a detailed account of the film, you can find your evening for a teary screening. Or maybe not, here we go. The young narrator of the film suffers from SCID, a disorder that takes her life when she is 18. The relationship of a couple trying every trick in the book to bring life and happiness to their child is just heart-breaking to watch and yet you admire their strength and resolve. There were moments my husband and I squirmed with discomfort and counted our blessings for not being placed in that gut-wrenching dilemma. Not only does a situation like that test you as a parent, but it also tests you even more as a couple. It is a time you need to trust each other’s decisions, bring strength to your family unit, and yet find moments that make for happy memories. The film left us drained, tear-stained, and clutching hands as we watched a set of parents burying their child.
The vow a man makes to protect his home and children may be a bit dated or even sexist for our times, these roles are traded between a couple in many households today. And is being the breadwinner enough? It’s true, the financial security that a good job and salary brings is not enough anymore. Whether dad or mum, you need to be emotionally supportive, be an active sympathiser through boyfriends, girlfriends, bad grades, lost races, and then make sure you don’t miss a parent-teacher meeting at school and be labelled as disconnected! So, when my husband missed a Zoom meeting this week at our son’s new school for something he is passionate about, a game of golf, I wondered what the 10 landscaped couples on my Mac thought while I sat on my portrait screen. Fortunately, or unfortunately, I will never know, as it was the first time I was seeing them all. I will sit there providing both courage and strength and let my husband know he is not being judged the next time we are on one of these calls! If we are ever at a social event with these lovely people post COVID, I will even hold his hand and let him know that I rejoice in his happiness when he plays golf and will continue to love him, provided he loves me and me alone! That way, I will be keeping my end of the bargain in promises we made that we don’t quite remember. If we did not bring a little fun and frivolity into our daily lives, we would have a very dull existence.
My son was recently asked in an interview what he thought happiness was. It’s a difficult one for a 13-year old and we were amused by the spot he was in. As children grow, we can no longer protect them from uncomfortable or new questions and situations. I realised that we have gone through several years never answering this question ourselves. Should happiness be based on success and achievement or should it come from eating your favourite meal or enjoying the imperfect holiday? There is no right answer. We need to groom our children to enjoy the small moments in life and also find resilience when things don’t go their way. The animal instinct is to protect our offspring from any danger or harm, but protection is equally about preparing the young for challenges to come. We are going against the grain to let them fall and let them get hurt so they can explore their own vulnerability. Equally, we are supporting them with a shoulder to cry on because acknowledging disappointment and defeat will hopefully hold them in good stead when the path ahead is both bumpy and narrow. And then again, they need to know that if they are ever in need, we will be their rocks, standing strong against adversity when it comes their way. This is the best promise of protection we can offer our children as they turn into adults, and I’m exhausted by the thought even as I write this! I want to celebrate resilience and humour by passing both those strengths on to the ones I love most. I hope they grow up to find tenacity in laughter and courage in reaching out when the chips are down. I want them to be able to find their own meaning of “happiness”.
Weddings in India are so much about ritual and ceremony that the vows we make are almost lost in that noise. As we walked around the sacred fire and pledged to bring courage, protection, strength, and joy to the union called marriage a decade and a half ago, I must remember that happiness came when we emerged from our toughest times. Stability, resilience, and above all contentment are the base of what happiness means to me: if joy and laughter decide to grace us with their time, they will be the cherries to my pie. Happiness for me is when we celebrate birthdays, it is when I find sweet mangoes in a country that does not grow them, it is when I hug a close friend that I have not seen in a long time. And it is still happiness I feel when we clutch at each other’s hand after a sad film, knowing that we brought comfort and solace to each other in the smallest of moments before the lights went out.
– The Railway Woman
The groom says “I will cherish you, provide for you, be responsible for your happiness and welfare, and for children still to come.” The bride complies in return, I will take care of our home and our household, I will provide nourishment and be fiscally prudent.
It was an enchanting idea, writing about the seven vows that complement the Vedic ceremony that brings Hindu couples together as they circle the incense-filled fire in their best finery. My only memory of the vows is giggling through the priests chanting in Sanskrit while protecting my ‘lehenga” from the fire as we circled around it, all the while trying not to step onto the many little offerings of fruit, sweet, and water that glimmered as they caught the light from the embers of perfumed wood.
It’s a big, fat promise we make, one that we should never take lightly. To provide and be responsible for the welfare of another being and beings to come over a few decades could weigh you down, but the pomp, confusion, and giddiness of being in the eye of the storm actually propels you into what seems like a fantastic idea. I apparently also promised to take care of my household and wonder if I have actually done justice to that vow over the years. This was not just about dusting the thin layer of grey gathering on the teak table we purchased 10 years ago or even the underwear order from Gap for children aged 13 that just plonked through the mail slot yesterday. The household needs to stay together through loss and failure, it needs to find laughter in lockdown and build memories and moments that we will discover when we rummage through the loft when 13 becomes 21.
It did cross my mind that for all the misogyny that surrounds women growing up in India, the ancient chant is rather democratic and equal. I am lucky to continue to feel cherished by my spouse, not because he promised it, but because mutual respect to cherish back and show it, which is equally important, has largely existed through my marriage. There will clearly be days when we might want to trip each other into that blessèd fire, usually relating to a disagreement on the grocery order, but fortunately, we still want to find warm feet in bed on a cold night.
The nourishment I am responsible for is not just limited to a good butter chicken on Saturday night but the development and growth of our minds. Can we still enjoy a good sparring on politics and keep that respect while we vote differently? Can we respectfully change the other person’s opinion and not ridicule them or make them feel small for their thoughts? Over several years the hurt comes from the small things we don’t respect in each other and while the chicken can arrive via the best takeaway, the nourishment of the heart and mind remains only ours to control.
Financial responsibility being the woman’s forte in the Indian context took me by surprise, I must admit. I thought of old Bollywood films and realised that most times the silver locker keys jangled elegantly around the sari-clad waist of the lady of the house. In the modern context, this differs in various households but money can be the cause of much doom and gloom in a marriage. I grew up in a fairly frugal environment but never felt I was wanting, my husband grew up in a frugal environment but has always been exceedingly generous with money, he will spend on others in a way he will never spend on himself. We have argued many times about this and have to consistently work hard to see each other’s way. It isn’t something you can change because of its behaviour that is ingrained in you, but you do wish for better gymnastic skills, it’s all about walking the tightrope and keeping your balance!
As I reflect on my shimmering, very magenta “lehenga” and henna’d bare feet taking the next steps to another promise, I am reminding myself that I must enjoy this time as I cherish and nourish this bond we have built. The school bill will of course continue to remind us both of the welfare and happiness we promised for children that were still a twinkle in our eyes.
The fire continued to be fed and there were still more vows to come…
– The Railway Woman
“How did you decide to marry Papa?” My daughters have asked me this question so many times and they never seem to tire of the story. I had an arranged marriage and to them it has always seemed completely unfathomable and bizarre that you can marry someone you don’t know at all!
Now when I look back on my more than 30 years of married life, it feels like I have known my husband forever. But then taking the plunge when I was just 23 years old and marrying someone I didn’t know, it now seems so unreal, taking a huge leap of faith like that. How did I do it? I mean, I met my husband through the matrimonial columns of a newspaper!!
It is not that I came from a conservative background, quite contrary actually. I went to America to get my MBA in the 1980’s. It was a time when people didn’t spend so much on a girl’s education. But my father believed in empowering us girls by investing in an education.
My husband also came from a fairly liberal family. He had studied in a boarding school, had also got his Masters from the US, and then to top it off, he was a nonvegetarian Gujarati. He was very upset with his parents and quite embarrassed actually, for putting in the matrimonial advert. So this whole thing was totally out of character for both of us. And both our parents had also expected and hoped we would meet someone on our own.
Well, people were more typical those days. Maharashtrians were more Maharashtrians, Gujaratis were more Gujaratis, in terms of their professions, lifestyles, food habits, and more important than anything else, the thought processes/ mindsets. Both, my husband and I were atypical in every way, and kind of misfits in our own communities. That explains marrying outside our communities and instead, concentrating on some sort of similarities between both of us and and our families. Education and progressive mindsets in our case.
At the time, even for someone so young, I knew it was going to be difficult to find all the qualities I wanted in one perfect partner. I mean I am not perfect. So I decided to simply prioritize. For me it was accomplishments and education at the very top, and a similar lifestyle and backround would really help. Hey, its an arranged marriage, I am allowed my tickmarks!
I think my mother had started setting the expectations right when I was quite young. Not with pep talks, but talking of experiences, observations, giving examples. Very clever I think. She was slowly influencing me. Mom had strategized for sure!
So one fine day my husband did come to ‘see me’ , with his parents in tow. And no, I did not carry a tray of refreshments when I walked out. Well, his mom did kind of look formidable, but don’t most quintessential mothers in law! Then ‘himself’ walks in, with the widest smile ever and twinkling, laughing eyes! People always ask me, ‘did you know right away’? Well you know what, I kind of did!!
I was engaged for 6 months. We kind of dated in that period, but could not meet often since we lived in different cities. I think we met maybe a dozen times in all. We only had land line telephones and I do remembertelephone bills were huge. I didn’t hear the end of it from my dad everytime the bill came!
Arranged marriage or love marriage, I don’t think there is a set formula. Maybe just more head than heart in the beginning. But love happens. A slow and steady kind of love, butterflies in the stomach do happen, discovering new things about each other keeps the relationship fresh and alive. The rules stay the same. Find someone who shares your values, is emotionally compatible, is a good provider, is hardworking, someone who is kind, someone who respects you, cares for you. And then,trust your instincts and go with the flow. Finally, look at the bottomline and make it work.
