LET’S CONNECT

Vows for Eternity: The Fourth Vow

Posted on by Team VFE

The groom thanks the bride: “You have brought sacredness into my life, and have completed me. May we be blessed with noble and obedient children”. The bride swears to serve and please the groom to the best of her abilities. ‘I will shower you with joy. I will strive to please you in every way I can’.

Together, the couple takes a vow to take care of and respect the elders in their family.

Traditions, culture and celebration are different in every family. I do like my children to hear a language that is mine even if they don’t speak it. It gives them an understanding in tone and passion how I feel about them, and their actions and gives me comfort in knowing that they understand how I feel. They are neither noble nor obedient, but are learning to explore the complexities around respect. Being brought up away from India, their upbringing is very different from how mine was. They don’t have the cackle and bickering with cousins that both my husband and I found so familiar. It was in this company that we learnt respect, boundaries and familial bonding. We have to find new ways for our children to imbibe the value that respect adds to conversations and relationships as you grow older. In this day and age if my children are to display any form of nobility, I hope it will be in treating peers and people older than them with this gesture that I value more and more as I grow older, and be humble, acknowledging that they will always receive, if they have it in their nature to give.

Trying to please someone is such a large-hearted gesture and not everyone has the ability to do it. I don’t think I do it enough. While I might have the right intentions and want to make sure I am pleasing those that I love, its probably sheer laziness that gets in the way. I was watching an old Pakistani play with my dishy Fawad Khan the other day. In it, a mother advises her newly married and professional daughter to do the small things for her husband, gestures that in turn will bring them closer. She explained that her husband will feel loved if she takes pleasure in doing little chores for him. This holds true in every generation and I really believe that it is sound advice for both halves of a couple, no matter how independent or egalitarian they are. Whether it be making a cup of coffee, calling in and asking how the day was, a hug as you leave the door or a smile as you walk in. There is no ego and zero sexism involved. Sometimes, that’s all it takes to shower someone you love with joy.

Through the last few months, being in lockdown, we have made sure we speak every day to our family in India. We call our parents, speak to them about inane and mundane things, just so they don’t feel too isolated. My husband calls and discusses golf games with my dad, I call and discuss the grandchildren and household chores with my mother-in-law. My mother tells us of the air conditioner that has stopped working and my father-in-law of the number of people he is telling off for not wearing a mask. We giggle and share stories and I know that at the end of the day both my husband and I appreciate those small gestures, in which we have shown respect for those that are older and have shared love for a family that has bonded over the little things.

When someone visits our home, they joke about over eating even before they begin a meal. I remember, from an era gone by, my grandfather covering his plate with his hands when he finished eating his meal so no one could serve him another morsel. He always said that if you refused something with your hands gesticulating behind the plate, there was always room to add another spoonful of something to tempt your palate! I also remember my great-grandmother cooked ghee-soaked parathas that somehow always sneaked into my grandmother’s plate. Dadi loved them but her mother could never understand that her diabetes and debilitating stroke did not allow her daughter this love drenched feast. My grandfather always smiled and teased them out of Dadi’s plate and passed them to all the dribbling grandkids at the other end of the table. The joy in pleasing those that you love remains the same today, just as it was in 1980, the indulgences are possibly mildly healthier! These stories have stayed with me as a reminder of not just funny anecdotes about those that are no more but as cherished memories of the lessons I learned on serving, giving and sharing, that I hope I pass on to the kids every day.

I have to tell myself all the time that there isn’t a lack of respect if my children call out my mistakes. It’s healthy and it’s right. I could never do it when I was young, it was always perceived as rude. Respect is defined as “a feeling of deep admiration for someone elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievements.” If my children are fearful and don’t question me when I am wrong, the feeling they will have for me will be anything but respect and they will never notice my abilities and achievements. The same stands in the promise of marriage. I do hope that we can keep calling out each other’s faults with empathy, love and respect. Who knows, if sometime in the future I crave chocolate cake that isn’t good for me, it will magically appear into my plate, in the spirit of joy and giving that we promised several decades ago.

Credit: The Railway Woman

Vows for Eternity: The Third Vow

Posted on by Team VFE

The chant for the groom, “May we grow wealthy and prosperous and strive for the education of our children, and may they live long.” The bride promises, “I will love you for the rest of my life, as you are my husband. Every other man in my life will be secondary. I vow to remain chaste.” 

So many thoughts cross my mind as I read this vow. Fawad Khan is hot! Why must I be chaste and not my husband, and what an old-fashioned word “chaste” is. And while I might think Fawad Khan is hot, my male children at this point are more needy, therefore they come first, my husband follows a couple of steps behind! Poor Fawad is really not in the picture at all. I am already failing this vow on multiple levels.

When I really think about it, the prosperity and comfort I already have brings my family decent healthcare, education, and to be completely honest a ridiculous amount of cricket lessons! But when I win the lottery, I want a spacious new house. We worry many times about how we can inculcate a sense of both ambition and aspiration in children that have not been denied very much. I truly believe money and comfort should come from hard work. We have worked very hard to provide our children with all that they have, education being a prime example of what we spend our earnings on. But how can we teach them that without the drive and resolve to achieve, they will float in mediocrity, something that is part of my worst nightmare. There are certainly those to whom their fortune has come easy but behind it has been someone else, burning the midnight oil so they can frolic in inherited wealth and luxury. So, when I promise my children good education it has to include an underlying drive to do justice to the tutelage they have been given, by striving to do the absolute best they can, in whatever their chosen path may be. Only when we are able to blend education with aspiration and a hunger to achieve will our promise be truly fulfilled.

On Dussehra, the festival where we blow Ravan’s multiple heads to smithereens, my family traditionally beseeches the gods to bless us with intellect. As a symbol, we place our pens in the “pooja” and pray for bravery and intelligence so our written words can win the battle of good over evil. Intelligence is our weapon of choice: much like the ancient battle in question, we believe it was intelligence that killed the demon king when the arrow was pointed at his source of power, which was not in his ten heads but in his navel!  If only Ram could request Ravan through prose to return his chaste wife, the Ramayan would be a very different story! Religious Studies, Mathematics, and Latin are therefore the school’s job to teach the kids, none being my forte. I would like to educate my children on equality, respect, and freedom. They must be free to question religion, practice it if they feel it brings them peace and comfort, and question it when my silly rituals make no sense to them. I must find respect in the choices they make, though some of them are already questionable! They must always have the freedom to be my equal in intellect and question my thoughts and idiosyncrasies. This will hopefully expand both their minds and mine and take new-found values into the world, to make the choices that suit them most.

As a couple, we have to work on ourselves to make sure every other man in MY life remains secondary!! And again, how sexist is this vow when it asks for a woman’s chastity but not a man’s in the same breath. Boredom is what pushes couples into infidelity as much as it is unhappiness and there are unfortunate experiences that are strewn across all our paths to see. I hope over time we are able to keep the sparkle in our relationship and are still able to catch each other’s eye from two corners of a crowded room and read the other one’s thoughts. As social as we are, we still gravitate towards each other by the end of an evening out, knowing it is time to go home.

Love changes as our relationship grows. How can we vow to love someone and maintain that exact same emotion over a period of time?  There is no longer an overwhelming feeling that invades me when I think of “love”. It is love when we laugh at a silly joke, because we get it at the same time, it is love when he makes tea for me every morning, it is love when I miss the tea he makes while he is travelling and it still love when he gives up his favourite chair in the living room so I can catch the sun streaming through at the right spot. Of course, there are days our love is tested with quarrels and disagreements, and the next morning I need to express the love in my tea-making skills!

Here’s hoping we tweak our vows to suit ourselves as the years go by, vows in which he will promise to be equally chaste, I will still enjoy Fawad Khan’s hotness and the chair in the living room will still be there, when I need both love and sunshine to brighten my day.

– The Railway Woman

 

Vows for Eternity: The Second Vow

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The groom says, “Together we will protect our house and children.” The bride promises, “I will be by your side as your courage and strength. I will rejoice in our happiness, and you will love me and me alone”.

I was watching “The Sky is Pink” with my husband a few nights ago. It was a film made by filmmaker Shonali Bose, based on a true story and starred Priyanka Chopra and Farhan Akhtar. I am not going to give you a detailed account of the film, you can find your evening for a teary screening. Or maybe not, here we go. The young narrator of the film suffers from SCID, a disorder that takes her life when she is 18. The relationship of a couple trying every trick in the book to bring life and happiness to their child is just heart-breaking to watch and yet you admire their strength and resolve. There were moments my husband and I squirmed with discomfort and counted our blessings for not being placed in that gut-wrenching dilemma. Not only does a situation like that test you as a parent, but it also tests you even more as a couple. It is a time you need to trust each other’s decisions, bring strength to your family unit, and yet find moments that make for happy memories. The film left us drained, tear-stained, and clutching hands as we watched a set of parents burying their child.

The vow a man makes to protect his home and children may be a bit dated or even sexist for our times, these roles are traded between a couple in many households today. And is being the breadwinner enough? It’s true, the financial security that a good job and salary brings is not enough anymore. Whether dad or mum, you need to be emotionally supportive, be an active sympathiser through boyfriends, girlfriends, bad grades, lost races, and then make sure you don’t miss a parent-teacher meeting at school and be labelled as disconnected! So, when my husband missed a Zoom meeting this week at our son’s new school for something he is passionate about, a game of golf, I wondered what the 10 landscaped couples on my Mac thought while I sat on my portrait screen. Fortunately, or unfortunately, I will never know, as it was the first time I was seeing them all. I will sit there providing both courage and strength and let my husband know he is not being judged the next time we are on one of these calls! If we are ever at a social event with these lovely people post COVID, I will even hold his hand and let him know that I rejoice in his happiness when he plays golf and will continue to love him, provided he loves me and me alone! That way, I will be keeping my end of the bargain in promises we made that we don’t quite remember. If we did not bring a little fun and frivolity into our daily lives, we would have a very dull existence.

My son was recently asked in an interview what he thought happiness was. It’s a difficult one for a 13-year old and we were amused by the spot he was in. As children grow, we can no longer protect them from uncomfortable or new questions and situations. I realised that we have gone through several years never answering this question ourselves. Should happiness be based on success and achievement or should it come from eating your favourite meal or enjoying the imperfect holiday? There is no right answer. We need to groom our children to enjoy the small moments in life and also find resilience when things don’t go their way. The animal instinct is to protect our offspring from any danger or harm, but protection is equally about preparing the young for challenges to come. We are going against the grain to let them fall and let them get hurt so they can explore their own vulnerability. Equally, we are supporting them with a shoulder to cry on because acknowledging disappointment and defeat will hopefully hold them in good stead when the path ahead is both bumpy and narrow. And then again, they need to know that if they are ever in need, we will be their rocks, standing strong against adversity when it comes their way. This is the best promise of protection we can offer our children as they turn into adults, and I’m exhausted by the thought even as I write this! I want to celebrate resilience and humour by passing both those strengths on to the ones I love most. I hope they grow up to find tenacity in laughter and courage in reaching out when the chips are down. I want them to be able to find their own meaning of “happiness”.

Weddings in India are so much about ritual and ceremony that the vows we make are almost lost in that noise. As we walked around the sacred fire and pledged to bring courage, protection, strength, and joy to the union called marriage a decade and a half ago, I must remember that happiness came when we emerged from our toughest times. Stability, resilience, and above all contentment are the base of what happiness means to me: if joy and laughter decide to grace us with their time, they will be the cherries to my pie. Happiness for me is when we celebrate birthdays, it is when I find sweet mangoes in a country that does not grow them, it is when I hug a close friend that I have not seen in a long time.  And it is still happiness I feel when we clutch at each other’s hand after a sad film, knowing that we brought comfort and solace to each other in the smallest of moments before the lights went out.

– The Railway Woman

Vows for Eternity: The First Vow

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The groom says “I will cherish you, provide for you, be responsible for your happiness and welfare, and for children still to come.” The bride complies in return, I will take care of our home and our household, I will provide nourishment and be fiscally prudent.

It was an enchanting idea, writing about the seven vows that complement the Vedic ceremony that brings Hindu couples together as they circle the incense-filled fire in their best finery. My only memory of the vows is giggling through the priests chanting in Sanskrit while protecting my ‘lehenga” from the fire as we circled around it, all the while trying not to step onto the many little offerings of fruit, sweet, and water that glimmered as they caught the light from the embers of perfumed wood.

It’s a big, fat promise we make, one that we should never take lightly. To provide and be responsible for the welfare of another being and beings to come over a few decades could weigh you down, but the pomp, confusion, and giddiness of being in the eye of the storm actually propels you into what seems like a fantastic idea. I apparently also promised to take care of my household and wonder if I have actually done justice to that vow over the years. This was not just about dusting the thin layer of grey gathering on the teak table we purchased 10 years ago or even the underwear order from Gap for children aged 13 that just plonked through the mail slot yesterday. The household needs to stay together through loss and failure, it needs to find laughter in lockdown and build memories and moments that we will discover when we rummage through the loft when 13 becomes 21.

It did cross my mind that for all the misogyny that surrounds women growing up in India, the ancient chant is rather democratic and equal. I am lucky to continue to feel cherished by my spouse, not because he promised it, but because mutual respect to cherish back and show it, which is equally important, has largely existed through my marriage. There will clearly be days when we might want to trip each other into that blessèd fire, usually relating to a disagreement on the grocery order, but fortunately, we still want to find warm feet in bed on a cold night.

The nourishment I am responsible for is not just limited to a good butter chicken on Saturday night but the development and growth of our minds. Can we still enjoy a good sparring on politics and keep that respect while we vote differently? Can we respectfully change the other person’s opinion and not ridicule them or make them feel small for their thoughts? Over several years the hurt comes from the small things we don’t respect in each other and while the chicken can arrive via the best takeaway, the nourishment of the heart and mind remains only ours to control.

Financial responsibility being the woman’s forte in the Indian context took me by surprise, I must admit. I thought of old Bollywood films and realised that most times the silver locker keys jangled elegantly around the sari-clad waist of the lady of the house. In the modern context, this differs in various households but money can be the cause of much doom and gloom in a marriage. I grew up in a fairly frugal environment but never felt I was wanting, my husband grew up in a frugal environment but has always been exceedingly generous with money, he will spend on others in a way he will never spend on himself. We have argued many times about this and have to consistently work hard to see each other’s way. It isn’t something you can change because of its behaviour that is ingrained in you, but you do wish for better gymnastic skills, it’s all about walking the tightrope and keeping your balance!

As I reflect on my shimmering, very magenta “lehenga” and henna’d bare feet taking the next steps to another promise, I am reminding myself that I must enjoy this time as I cherish and nourish this bond we have built. The school bill will of course continue to remind us both of the welfare and happiness we promised for children that were still a twinkle in our eyes.

The fire continued to be fed and there were still more vows to come…

– The Railway Woman

My Very Arranged Marriage

Posted on by Team VFE

“How did you decide to marry Papa?” My daughters have asked me this question so many times and they never seem to tire of the story. I had an arranged marriage and to them it has always seemed completely unfathomable and bizarre that you can marry someone you don’t know at all!

 Now when I look back on my more than 30 years of married life, it feels like I have known my husband forever. But then taking the plunge when I was just 23 years old and marrying someone I didn’t know, it now seems so unreal, taking a huge leap of faith like that. How did I do it? I mean, I met my husband through the matrimonial columns of a newspaper!!

  It is not that I came from a conservative background, quite contrary actually. I went to America to get my MBA in the 1980’s. It was a time when people didn’t spend so much on a girl’s education. But my father believed in empowering us girls by investing in an education.

 My husband also came from a fairly liberal family. He had studied in a boarding school, had also got his Masters from the US, and then to top it off, he was a nonvegetarian Gujarati. He was very upset with his parents and quite embarrassed actually, for putting in the matrimonial advert. So this whole thing was totally out of character for both of us. And both our parents had also expected and hoped we would meet someone on our own.

 Well, people were more typical those days. Maharashtrians were more Maharashtrians, Gujaratis were more Gujaratis, in terms of their professions, lifestyles, food habits, and more important than anything else, the thought processes/ mindsets. Both, my husband and I were atypical in every way, and kind of misfits in our own communities. That explains marrying outside our communities and instead, concentrating on some sort of similarities between both of us and and our families. Education and  progressive mindsets in our case.

 At the time, even for someone so young, I knew it was going to be difficult to find all the qualities I wanted in one perfect partner. I mean I am not perfect. So I decided to simply prioritize. For me it was accomplishments and education at the very top, and a similar lifestyle and backround would really help.  Hey, its an arranged marriage, I am allowed my tickmarks!

  I think my mother had started setting the expectations right when I was quite young. Not with pep talks, but talking of experiences, observations, giving examples. Very clever I think. She was slowly influencing me. Mom had strategized for sure!

 So one fine day my husband did come to ‘see me’ , with his parents in tow. And no, I did not carry a tray of refreshments when I walked out. Well, his mom did kind of look formidable, but don’t most quintessential mothers in law! Then ‘himself’ walks in, with the widest smile ever and twinkling, laughing eyes! People always ask me, ‘did you know right away’? Well you know what, I kind of did!!

 I was engaged for 6 months. We kind of dated in that period, but could not meet often since we lived in different cities. I think we met maybe a dozen times in all. We only had land line telephones and  I do remembertelephone bills were huge. I didn’t hear the end of it from my dad everytime the bill came!

 Arranged marriage or love marriage, I don’t think there is a set formula. Maybe just more head than heart in the beginning. But love happens. A slow and steady kind of love, butterflies in the stomach do happen, discovering new things about each other keeps the relationship fresh and alive. The rules stay the same. Find someone who shares your values, is emotionally compatible, is a good provider, is hardworking, someone who is kind, someone who respects you, cares for you. And then,trust your instincts and go with the flow. Finally, look at the bottomline and make it work.

Boundaries

Posted on by Team VFE

New situations can be thrilling. Every “first” can feel full of excitement, promise, and a glimpse of what is to come. This can pertain to many aspects of life – landing your dream job, meeting your first mom-friend at a baby music class, falling in love. When we find ourselves in the early stages of starting something new that we are excited about, it can be easy to go all in. We are fueled by our natural desire to impress, to overcompensate for whatever insecurity we may be feeling and to give too much of ourselves in effort to win the other person over or even make them feel more comfortable. In fits and bursts, this kind of free fall of giving of ourselves is okay, good even. But, it is not sustainable in the long run, and walking back the line can feel near impossible. Knowing where we stand before we get into those situations can help keep them from steam-rolling out of control.

You guessed it, today we are going to talk boundaries. It is a hot topic and one that can easily divide us, I know. Those that think boundaries are a negative thing and don’t want to be weighed down by them, and those that religiously set them up in an effort to protect and preserve themselves. Like most things in my life, I have travelled the spectrum on this issue. I started out staunchly opposed to the idea of boundaries. I am a free spirit. I am a giving person. I want to make others feel good, happy, welcome. I thought that setting up boundaries would rob me of who I am. Turns out, not setting up boundaries was robbing me of who I am. Without clear guidelines it is easy to bleed into each other, blurring the lines of what defines you.

Setting up healthy boundaries takes a lot of work and can be challenging because it is hard to know where to begin. But healthy boundaries are an incredibly crucial aspect of one’s mental health and well-being. They are essential in establishing one’s identity. A boundary is defined as the clear space between you and another person; knowing where you begin and the other person ends. The idea is not to keep yourself separate, but to define healthy ways to connect and navigate relationships, all relationships – intimate, personal and professional. How many times did you swoon when your girlfriend declared that she doesn’t know where she ends and her partner begins?! But maybe we have it backwards, maybe the key to the gold star relationship is knowing exactly where you end and your partner begins.

Depending on our culture, how we were raised, how we live our lives, it can feel counterintuitive that setting up boundaries can actually bring healthier, happier, and closer relationships. Especially for women, who are taught almost in utero that we are to be the givers, we are to overextend ourselves, we are to be the first to compromise, we are to say yes even if it is something we don’t want to do. We are to show love by giving our mind, body, and spirit. It can be hard to work against what we are taught. Setting up boundaries is not meant to be rigid or black and white. It is meant to be flexible, often reassessed, changed and are different for each relationship – your lover, your boss, your mother. The common ground is that having boundaries makes you a priority. It gives you the space to listen to your gut, the space to say no, the space to sit in your feelings and then the space to speak them.

I did not learn the importance of boundaries until I was in my late thirties. And it is still a hard concept for me to wrap my head around sometimes. I am my mother’s daughter. By observing her in her daily life I learned that she valued putting all other’s needs before her own. In truth, I don’t know if she even knew what her needs were. Or if she knew she was allowed to ask. She never learned to ask herself what SHE wanted. What was important to HER. She never learned to put up one single boundary – with her parents, her friends, her husband, her kids. She just kept giving. I was taught by example not only to do the same, but to value it. And I do very much value it. But the generosity of spirit should just be one aspect of your personality. And like everything else in life, needs limits.

In my adult life, I started to feel like I was losing myself. Like I didn’t even know who I really was. Every relationship is full of compromises, everyone has to give a little. It is necessary. But, if you are giving in a way that is violating who you really are, or the give makes you feel uncomfortable, then it is too much. If you are unclear if you are acting for yourself or for others, then it is too much. That is where I found myself. And these incidents do not have to be something big or even noteworthy – for me, they were tiny, micro compromises that eventually broke me. I lost myself. I became resentful. I couldn’t figure out what was important to me. Death by a thousand cuts, if you will. Giving in just one more time to keep the peace started to wear me down.

Discovering where I drew the line and holding on to it served as an important lesson. Clear and healthy boundaries are essential to establishing yourself and in turn establishing more solid, honest relationships. I am working on this every single day. At the minimum, establishing your own guidelines and defining what behavior is okay to you and what isn’t, will give you more insight into yourself which you can pour into creating, or improving upon, other relationships. Even establishing the smallest boundary can save us from ourselves and help create happier, healthier relationships throughout your life, beginning with yourself.

– Musings by an American born Indian

Chug-Chug-Choo-Choo…

Posted on by Team VFE

Writing about your own relationship can go two ways – a spin into an extraordinary fairy tale of love, romance and lies or introspection on what you want your relationship to be. The piece below is neither. Its just notes on how we keep the bogies in a row and our train on the tracks.

It would be clichéd to say that no honest relationship is perfect and so I want to say that no honest relationship should be perfect. It must have its flaws with good days and bad days. So what is a bad day in a relationship? Do you really just step out of bed and decide today is the day things will be out of whack? Yes, but equally it could be just after that wake up stretch, when you step into the bathroom and the toothpaste is kept on the wrong side of the sink.

My biggest annoyance was being told I am a lazy contributor to things around the house. Before I was married, I was always considered the organised one, the person who got things done.  When love and togetherness arrived I felt there was little I could get right. The tempering of the dal was not right, the fridge was not set right and the dishwasher must still have a symmetrical setting I can never perfect. Getting the sync right on the small things is what makes marriages work, and we were clearly never at the same station in the early years. After many years figuring what our roles really are in this relationship, I think we have found some balance. My husband is now the doer -so electricity bills, rent, pension and investments and setting the fridge are his area of expertise. This makes him feel in control of his excel spread-sheet on life and makes me feel like I am contributing to him feeling that way!  After many arguments and reluctant apologies over various matters the “tadka” in my dal now gets hoots of approval. We have learnt to step away from the fire as opposed to heading for an explosion that would end in an exhausted relationship, and who wants that.

My kids think I am the boss in the house. I feel I am the boss of the house because I am listener-in-chief! There are many decisions I make around the house and how it’s run but so that the train runs smoothly I listen to everyone, sometimes with a lot less patience than I should. I acknowledge that my short fuse can cause much distress within the unit. The reason my unit runs reasonably well is that when I lose the plot, my husband steps in to salvage the situation. Being the only woman in the house does help as well because when I turn on the charm and affection, I am forgiven for my idiosyncrasies more often than not. Our flawed relationship is perfect because we show each other the worst we can be.

A marriage can last longer if you count to 10 before saying something nasty. Once it’s shot out of your mouth its done irreparable damage. You can never, and I really mean never, take it back. Being the daughter of a seasoned diplomat I must say I took great pride in telling my husband this. What a person says in the name of honesty can both damage and hurt someone. This well-intentioned honesty needs both control and restraint. In 16 years of marriage, we have finally found the balance in hurt, honesty and humour and the train is still on the tracks.

– The Railway Woman

Fooled by Great Expectations in Love

Posted on by Team VFE

Over the course of your life, how many times have you asked yourself when is the right time? should I wait? should I go ahead? Am I overthinking this? When is the right time to go for a run? When is the right time to get a new puppy? When is the right time to say I love you? When is the right time to quit the job you hate? When is it the right time to settle down, marry, start a family? When is the right time to call it quits, start over? I do it all the time.

The good news is, the more you answer that question, the more you can see that maybe there truly isn’t a defined right time. There certainly is no such thing as the perfect time. And, the waters can get even muddier when you let other people in your life weigh in on whatever decision you are trying to make. An incredibly frivolous but extremely illustrative example is when you invite a group of friends out for dinner. Everyone has an opinion – some folks aren’t hungry quite yet, some are vegetarian, some gluten intolerant, some only want pasta… trying to listen to and please everyone can leave me paralyzed and only serving wine for dinner (which is never a good idea!). Listen, you are the host, you invited these friends, you get to make the call. Listen to people’s opinions, but in the end, you get to choose what you think is right. So, for me realizing that there is no perfect time and learning to turn down the volume on outside noise, has been a freeing gift.

I dated my husband for five years before he proposed. We were introduced at a mutual friend’s wedding and immediately hit it off. We stayed up until 4am that night talking. And the talking didn’t stop after that. I was headed back to Dallas and he was going back to Chicago. But, that did not stop us from getting to know each other more. We would speak daily, sometimes through the night. This was so long ago that facetime was implausible and email had only just started gaining popularity! So, the telephone it was. Until one phone call where he said we should see each other again. When he asked what I thought, I froze. What if he was actually a murderer? What if we were only good on the phone and would have nothing to say if we met up in person again? How, exactly were we going to meet up? We lived 800 miles from each other – a dinner date wasn’t an option. One of us would have to fly into town before we could go out for dinner… that all felt very high stakes, and I for one was most definitely not looking for anything serious. I was young. And fun. I wanted to date many people – to experience life as a young woman and all that meant in the dating world. Was this the right time to make it feel like something more? After much internal debate and a decent amount of asking friends to weigh in on the issue, I decided to remind myself of what I knew. I knew that I enjoyed meeting this person at the wedding. I knew that we always had a lot to talk about on the phone. I knew I wasn’t looking for anything serious. I knew a summer fling could be fun. So, I said yes.

That one weekend visit turned into many weekend visits. Turned into me moving out of state to be with him, then turned into more long-distance dating when I went to law school in another state and finally five years later, turned into a walk down the aisle. How we got there wasn’t always a smooth road. And was often met with me asking, is this the right time. Is this the right time for me to move to be closer to him and see if we can make something real of this? Is this the right time for me to go to law school? Is it the right time for him to stay behind and work while I go to law school? And is this the right time for me to get married?

It is hard enough to make a decision when you alone are dealing with your feelings, your set of facts, your partner’s feelings and their set of facts. (Yes, there are always two sets of facts in a relationship – tricky, but true). But, that already hard to make a decision can become nearly paralyzing when you let noise from everyone else seep through.

This happened to us about 4 years into our dating relationship. We are both close with our families, and by then we had become close with each other’s families AND the families had become friendly with each other. The same thing happened with our friends… the ones we each brought into the relationship had become friends. In so many ways it was truly wonderful. And we considered ourselves lucky. Until, one day at a family anniversary party my aunt took it upon herself to tell my boyfriend that the family was expecting him to have proposed by now. She made it seem that we had held a summit and agreed that the time was right for him to propose and now any day that passed was a waste. In reality, nothing could have been further from the truth. I was perfectly happy as things stood in my relationship. And when confronted with it, I didn’t even know if marriage was something I wanted or needed. This nearly broke us and our relationship.

We had a trip scheduled to Paris a few months after this blow-up. We cancelled it. We had a trip planned with my family. We cancelled it. We nearly cancelled us. Not only did this have a disastrous effect on the two of us as a couple, but it also took a huge toll on our relationship with my family. And, looking back, in truth, I think it colored a lot of our relationship going forward – both
between us and between our families.

We recovered. We both had to ask ourselves, is this the right time to end this 4 year long relationship, which by now was so entangled with our families. Or is it the right time to push through the hard and see where it take us. A year later, he proposed. I was very surprised. And because I had let the noise of our families color my relationship, somewhere in the back of my head and heart I was left with uncertainties. I wondered if he was proposing because he really believed that this was the right time for us to get married, or because he had let pressure from my family get to him.

I said yes. It felt like the right time. It certainly didn’t feel like a terrible time. But, was mine a yes because I really believed that this was the right time for us to get married. Or, did I said yes because I had let the pressure of my family get to me. 20 years later, and the actual answer matters much less.

But, the golden nugget that I have learned since then is to stop worrying about the perfect time. To stop searching for the magical moment for every single thing to fall into place. Life is messy and windblown. Waiting for the perfect calm is like chasing a mirage. Sometimes you have to pull the trigger even if there are unknowns and loose ends. Who knows sometimes making a decision helps other things fall into place. But, that decision has to come from you. Everyone will have an opinion to share if you let them. Your job is to drown out the noise from others, no matter how well-meaning they may be. Find your heart and listen to it in the quiet moments.

Focus on your own set of facts, on what your truth is. It is not always easy. But, it is always freeing. And I promise you the more you do it, the better you will become and the easier it will be. And one day, maybe 20 years from now you’ll be faced with a decision. You will be wrestling with whether the time is right or not. You’ll be running through what others have said to you. But, before you get too far down those paths, my hope is you’ll surprise yourself when you realize your mind was already made up.

– Musings by an American born Indian

Love, Loss and Everything in Between

Posted on by Team VFE

I have grown up in a world where the end goal of most, if not every romantic relationship is marriage. It’s a great institution and one that I believe in. There are always these couples that are together for a very long time. It can be due to family, societal pressures, or it may just be that they cannot fathom not being together. These are all feel-good stories that make one all warm inside. On the flip side, if a marriage culminating from such a relationship doesn’t work out, it’s a hard reality check. Maybe marriage isn’t just about settling down with your self-appointed soul mate. If it can break the dream couple who everyone envied, one might ask what chance do they have for having a happily ever after? Is there even a happily ever after? Are we even wired to be together with the same person for the rest of our lives?

When a relationship implodes, it takes a toll on not just the couple, but also their immediate circle. I won’t lie and say that I didn’t question my relationship and become anxious. But the thing that kept me sane is my north star. I have an image of how I want my life and relationship to be. This image guides me through the highs and lows. I know as long as I communicate, listen, and adapt, I’ll reach there sooner than later.

I have realized that not every cloud has a silver lining, some people only look great on paper while some who do not appear to have anything in common make for great couples. We take comfort in the fact that we have someone special with us. But is that person the right one and if he/she is, have we told them what they mean to us? Once we accept the fact that relationships aren’t permanent and start giving our best to the one we are in, even if it doesn’t work out, there won’t be the guilt that we could have tried harder. We feel that if we have known a person for a long time we understand how they think and function. But what we do not realize is that people keep on evolving and changing. After a couple of years, if there isn’t any proper communication, couples turn into strangers. We wake up one morning just with a slight recollection of the person we fell in love with. Talk, listen, and engage. Find happiness in little things and not wait for the big moment. It can be a walk around the block, having Chinese takeaway, or just sitting silently across one another.

If two people separate, we say that their marriage failed. But maybe it just ran its course. The stigma that comes with the term failure can do a number on anyone’s psyche. Maybe that is why there are so many unhappy marriages, because who wants to be stamped a failure. In closing, I’d like to say that we all change with time if we are different from what we were a few years ago, it’s not our fault. We should try to keep those who are special to us as involved in our life as possible, those who don’t make the effort get left behind. If a childhood romance can’t handle a year of marriage, then maybe there was nothing but comfort and convenience on the wheels of that relationship.

One needs to take a long hard look at what they want out of a relationship before saying yes. If it works out then it’s the best feeling in the world if it doesn’t then it is better to rip the bandage in one go than dragging it along for years.

–  Wandering Millennial Mind