The last few years seem like a blur, the fast pace, the skewed focus on work that never seems to end and the constant feeling of being torn in trying to get the balance right between my personal and professional space and feeling like I can never get it right no matter how hard I try. However, the last few months have been like a pause and reflect button in so many meaningful ways. Even though work has been busy it almost feels like time has paused, the world has stopped rushing around, there is a sense of tranquility, possibly an uneasy calm in the midst of all this chaos and uncertainty. I can finally introspect. Life is allowing me to realize what is missing, what is valuable, what needs changing and what I need to hold on to.

I have been thinking of things that are important to me – marriage is one of those. There has always been a certain sanctity to marriage for me. I believe that the stronger the foundation, the stronger the structure. But on the flip side the more intense the emotions, the easier it is to get hurt and to have the power to hurt. A good solid marriage rests on so much but if I was to pick four things to be the pillars of a strong relationship I would pick Love, Respect, Friendship and Trust.

Today let’s talk about Love.

Sometimes you fall in love and get married and sometimes you get married and then fall in love. Is one better than the other? No, I don’t believe so-they are just different.

 Being crazily in love can be very heady with very strong highs and lows, that are emotional, volatile, even intense and then people get married. For many people the dynamics change as expectations associated with “being married” change. . It is common for one partner to feel that the other has changed but actually neither has- it’s just the circumstances and the environment that has changed. In the Indian landscape, marriage brings with it a certain set of expectations no matter how liberal someone is, these are expectations from each other and from the incoming member towards other family members. Things that were great and accepted with a smile and a thank you, all of a sudden, don’t garner the same response, expectations have moved up a few notches  in the minds of family and friends and therefore the same responses just doesn’t cut it. The rules of the game have changed just as you had become comfortable. That can be tough to accept and navigate through.

On the other hand in an arranged scenario, two people take the time to get to know each other starting from a blank canvas -one small step at a time. A person doesn’t know what to expect and it takes a while to truly get to know each other – there is an excitement as the journey starts with two people coming together on the basis of shared values, a strong personality fit, a mutual attraction and wanting similar things from life. The couple build the rest as they learn to discover each other. That’s a very strong foundation.Despite this, the journey is not a bed of roses, it is tough at times, extremely fulfilling at others but one where there is a lot of learning about who we are, who we are not and what we are capable of giving to a relationship.

Are love and acceptance two sides of the same coin? When we say we love someone what does it really mean? If we love someone do we also truly accept them as they are? Do we love them despite all their flaws or do we love them FOR their flaws and imperfections? Do we love someone and constantly try to change them? Do we love them but want them to live their life on our terms? And is that love?

I have always struggled with this one-I am guilty of rarely getting this right. I feel I have come a long way but there is so much work in progress! With time things settle down and people find their own equilibrium. I am learning to filter out the “noise”. Ultimately, only the two people involved can really understand what goes on between them. I have learned that everyone will have opinions, advice will be offered with the best intentions course but there needs to exist a space amongst all the madness, chaos and noise that should only be mine – in which only my voice can enter. Then the choices I make are mine alone.

When everything is falling apart I have found love to be my glue. It’s something that is so important to me that I cannot fathom my life without it, I don’t want to. And I don’t mean love as a concept but love as in the person I love. Yet there are times when I have been swept away by other destructive emotions like ego and stubbornness. They have clouded my vision and my ability to express the way I really feel. These emotions have put me in corners where I have meant something and said something else. I have believed for most of my life that if the person loves me he will know why I am reacting the way I am, he will know that sometimes what I want to say and what I am saying are two very different things, he will know that I am hurting when I am appearing strong, that I miss him when he is away and most importantly how much I love him even though I haven’t said it in the longest time. But the reality is different unless one is married to a mind reader! I owe expressing my feelings to the one I love as much as I owe it to myselfto not hold back. Life goes by very quickly and time lost is lost forever, which is a very heavy price to pay.

When you love someone is it important to show love in the way you want to show it, or in the way the one you love wants it? I don’t want the one I love to have to second guess how I feel about him. I want him to know that he anchors me. I want him to know how beautiful my life is just because he is in it. I want him to know how important our friendship is to me. I want him to know that I have learnt so much from him because of which I am a better person today. I want him to know that he has shown me that love is giving each other the space to be who we are as well as the freedom and support to blossom, to follow one’s dreams. I want him to know how much I value our years together, our journey, the distance travelled, the memories created, even the hurt, loss and grief – because it’s shared. It binds us in ways only we know.

There is so much I haven’t said because I believe that if he truly loves me he will understand not only my words but also my silence. I now realize that things unsaid are not always understood, and it is important they are. There are lots of reasons to be silent. Loving someone with everything that you have is not one of those.

I now understand what it means to be rock solid. Not because I am – but because that is what he is to me.

Anuradha Gupta is Founder, CEO for Vows for Eternity, and Indian-American matchmaking service headquartered in New York, with offices in Delhi, Mumbai and London.

www.vowsforeternity.com

Like any parent in this universe you want to give your children the sun, the moon and the stars. When my older daughter started dating a man at the age of 25, I was happy to see her happy, thinking she will date for a few years, figure out what she wants, find happiness, and feel safe and be excited about her future. All the while building her foundations to a rock-solid career. She was too young to be thinking of marriage anyway, right?

Imagine our surprise when the boy popped the question. He was 5 years older and was keen to settle down. So, though it was a mere 5 months, the marriage required a move to America. This was concerning to us as parents since both came from completely different socioeconomic backgrounds. There were blaring red flags everywhere, but we were blinded by her happiness as well as seeing one of our ‘responsibilities’ being fulfilled. Liberal or not, I guess it is an Indian parents’ dream. Point to ponder?

Within a month of the marriage the abuse started. First verbal, slowly chipping away at her self-confidence. This was heartbreaking, as it is the very first thing we as parents pour our energy into building – their confidence. Of course, the abuse progressed and I started seeing the signs. Missing home, crying easily, angry all the time. It will remain the biggest regret of my life, not having realized it earlier. Why didn’t I see it? Or did I choose to turn a blind eye because it was just easier? 

It was very tricky for me to not influence her by disrupting her life for something she may have thought could be resolved. However, at the same time, how could I possibly tolerate the injustice? How does a parent do that? All these thoughts paralyzed me.

While my husband was livid when I confided in him, wanting to run to the authorities, confront his parents and of course run and get our child back, we decided we were first going to make sure she is safe. I was plagued by the choice of bringing my daughter safely into my arms and holding her tight, or giving her the opportunity to discover her strengths and empower her. This was the first step in letting her find her confidence again – by sorting out her personal issues herself, figuring out what it is that she really wants. It was one of the most difficult things I have ever done as a mother. 

Well, time does heal. It’s been a year since and my daughter has matured into a beautiful confident woman, certainly more sure of herself. She holds her head high and is ready to take on the world. If you look closely there is a shadow of pain in her eyes, but it gives her character and makes her all the more beautiful.

Of course, all of this sounds easy enough if we don’t consider how we hid our pain from a number of our friends and family. There was always that pang we felt as we answered her grandparents’ questions of how the marriage was doing with tight-lipped smiles and false enthusiasm. We wanted their last few years to be free of worry, but was this more for their benefit or ours? I still don’t know. 

I wanted to share this to say that divorce is not the end of the world, it is a new beginning in a brave, new, beautiful world! I too learned that my main ‘responsibility’ as a parent and a mother was to empower my girls, as we all should, and then let them go free to explore, discover, and even meander maybe. And then, live some of your dreams through them and don’t ever forget to let them know that you’ve got their back no matter what.

The Railway Woman

Who remembers the song “Brown girl in the ring” by Boney M? I sang it through my childhood, but cannot even imagine the reaction to the record playing in a public place today, especially since the next few lines describe her as a “sugar in a plum”!! “Plum, Plum!!” I had to write in the extra plums just so it all felt complete, such was the charm of the song through the 80’s, even though it made the little girl stand out. 

Whether the West Indian song segregated the brown girl or made her feel special, the thought never crossed my mind. Today it does. Race and racism are front and centre when it comes to education for my children today. There was a time I felt it was too early for my lovely brown children to be exposed to the biases they might encounter in the majority Caucasian demographic they are born in. I have decided, it is actually the right time as they enter their early teens, to be aware and proud of who they are, their heritage and equally have the ability to take a stand and call out racism if they see it. They can only call it out when they know what it looks like! 

Meghan Markle did England no favours when she called both the British media and the Royal family racist on Oprah’s show recently. The jury’s still out on who the real bully was in this situation and there are so many contenders. Both the British tabloids and the internet are abuzz with debate. The Western world continues to struggle with assimilation and it will be a long while before things get to where they should be.

Whether it be the American film academy or the BAFTA’s, film and television are trying hard to bring in changes that are long overdue. I watched the racy series “Bridgerton” on Netflix a few weeks ago! Who would have thought black and brown actors could portray posh English gentry from the 1800s? With no real story line to speak of, the series is lockdown’s box office hit because it completely kills colour. You stop seeing it. The Duke of Hastings is strong, stubborn and sexy. The Duchess is petite, wilful and a steely force of nature. You will have to watch it to know what race they are. The same worked with the West End musical “Hamilton” where almost all actors portraying the American war of Independence were of colour, bringing depth and a genre of foot-tapping rap music to the forefront, that make both George’s (Washington and the King of England) far more interesting! Again, you can guess which one of them was of which colour! The bottom line is, no one cares! And that’s how it should be.

In India today, colourism is the age-old form of racism and it is a race against time to get rid of it! There are glimmers of hope as both men and women stand up strong against this bias within the county today, but so much more needs to be done. Both education and industry in India need to play the largest role in demolishing the racially prejudiced nature of some of the most basic biases that have existed in the country. A space that could lead that change is matrimonial advertisements in newspapers. 

Looking for a fair, beautiful, slim, homely and convent educated girl, 22-25 years, for a handsome, well settled boy with a managerial job!

Why should a newspaper of any repute let this be part of their Sunday pages? It’s diabolical.

Rarely do parents paint their sons in the same colours of skin tone, behaviour and education. Adjectives that are racial and derogatory at a time when women describe themselves as professionals and entrepreneurs with multiple educational qualifications should have no place in our world.

Matrimonial adverts for men are not much better: 

Looking for a fair and handsome, well-educated boy in a corporate job with an MBA, for a well settled professional girl in New Delhi only!

How does someone know if a man’s fair skin and MBA will make their daughter happy? It is actually funny that parents are willing to send their children to various Western shores for the best education but feel that a spouse must be within city limits. For that matter, parents that encourage their sons and daughters to use fairness products to meet these exacting standards, need to take a step back and see the damage they are peddling for generations to come.

As Indians, why is it difficult to admit that we are brown people? I am happy to say that again. We are brown people. Why are we obsessed with a lighter skin tone? Having done some very basic research via the ever-reliable internet here are some facts I have found:

Colourism or skin-color stratification is a process that privileges light-skinned people over dark in areas such as income, education, housing, and the marriage market (Hunter, 2007). 

Overall, combined influences of the caste system, colonialism, and globalization have made fair/light skin-color a social capital that enables upward social mobility in India (Parameswaran & Cardoza, 2009b).

And therein lies the problem. The minute stronger and darker forces like income, social mobility and caste come into play, change is difficult to come by. Generationally, as a population, Indians have taken their time to shake off the biases that colonialism and the caste system have left behind. It will take a lot of hollering from the rooftops from people in the media, advertising and even politics to bring shame to colourism. There are no simple solutions when it comes to problems that are so well entrenched into social structures but we have to start somewhere.  

Anyone interested in moving this debate further? “Show me the motion… tra la la la la”

The Railway Woman

The groom says, ‘We are now husband and wife, and are one. You are mine and I am yours for eternity.’ The bride accepts and says ‘I am now your wife. We will love, honour and cherish each other forever.’

Can I actually belong to someone? And that too for eternity? As childish as that question is, it is also deeply profound. I can’t belong to someone as I am not a possession and even if I was, not everyone treats possessions with care. And all this holds true for the man in my life too. So much about being together is about space. The lockdown has made finding that space even harder for so many of us. When we were younger, reading trashy, fictional romance, the idea of belonging to someone seemed giddily glorious. It’s like never letting go of that new doll, the poor doll can never articulate how suffocated she is and sometimes, neither can we.

At a casual, girly lockdown dinner a couple of days ago we talked about how worried we were about going through isolation and forced quarantining as a family. It’s incredible how we now discuss wills, rooms in which we isolate and other such awful things with much ease. We also chattered about more mundane, everyday things like not getting on each other’s nerves and familial sanity, coming to the conclusion that so far, we are coping. So many others have not been so lucky. We were shaken with the news of close friends’ separating a few weeks ago. Forced confinement can do that to seemingly normal marriages. When we are so used to leaving the front door and having the next ten hours to ourselves and our vocation of choice, forced togetherness is jarring and sometimes ends perfectly sustainable relationships. They realised they were unhappy. They just grew out of love.

My husband and I sit on different floors as we snake through our Covid induced ‘working from home’ regimen. It’s incredible how quickly you make a space your own, with you own mess, clutter and warmth that make it all the more comfortable. We can still hear each other on conference calls, meet at the dining table for a quick snack and remind each other of chores we promised we would do. We are homebound but have tried to create both physical and mental space. We know we have to do this. Adapting to new situations always questions relationships and ours is no different.

Seven long vows where we promise to commit, promise to procreate, promise to honour and promise to love – do we really need to do all this to be with someone? The simple answer is no. In today’s day and age none of this is necessary and yet so many of us do it. Why? For me the original answers were, not wanting to be lonely, enjoying the romance a relationship brought and more importantly – family.

After 15 years of being together, the bond we have created, the family we have nurtured and the laughter and happiness it has brought us has been worth all the arguments, fights and sleepless nights. As I write this, the doubts creep in though! I hope we continue to have the resilience, maturity and love to keep at it for another 15. I have called these vows of marriage archaic, sexist yet democratic and even all too similar as I blogged through them, but writing about these promises has reminded me why I bothered with marriage in the first place. So far, we have stayed committed, we have stayed honest and even though the sparks in romance have changed, they are still very much there. More than all these emotions, there is deep friendship that has developed with an inter-dependence that feels scarily irreplaceable. I have learnt that matrimony is not for everyone, it is not essential to make you complete and it certainly comes with a million flaws including the in-laws!! But for the hustle and bustle all these relationships bring, they have brought with them a sense of family and strength, that I will cherish forever.

When we circled around the fire, making those vows and promises that the priest chanted in his happy singalong, it’s the two sets of parents sitting on either side that actually understand the solemnity of the occasion most. They have lived and breathed those promises, some successfully and some not, just like so many that are waiting to congratulate and bless us as we finally come to a standstill. As the blessed grains of rice and perfumed petals come showering down on us, I did not know of good fortunes and difficulties to come, I presume the whole idea of pomp and colour at the occasion is to celebrate how special the ride ahead will be. As I relive those moments, all I can hope for is that the promises we have made will hold us together, not because the words chanted bind us but because we have created new reasons over the years that will keep us together for decades to follow.

Credit: The Railway Woman

During the Sixth Vow, the Groom asks his bride, ‘Now that you have taken six steps with me, you have filled my heart with immense happiness. Will you fill my heart with happiness like this forever?’  The Bride promises, ‘I will always be by your side’.

Fifteen years on I have realised that these seven Hindu vows are terribly similar. Of course, I will absolutely promise to fill my husband’s heart with happiness when I am in the midst of all the pomp and gala that an Indian wedding brings. The “forever” part must have escaped my ears in all that din and noise. A decade and more on, I could not have done too badly to get this far but for as long as this journey continues I definitely want to do better.

I never want to take the love and happiness I have for granted and yet “forever” means that we need to be there for each other for a long time. And is that not what happiness is – the ability to expect things from a partner because we are in each other’s lives till kingdom come? Many years ago a married friend said of his marriage as it was ending, “I always thought my marriage would resemble my parents’, you get married, and then you die!” He meant that he always expected the marriage to last forever, he just did not know that you have to “work” at it till death, or in his case divorce did them part. It came as a shock to him that after years of dating his then wife, once they were married, it fell apart very quickly. It was a lesson and memory that stayed with me, and one I will never forget.

In the early years of heartache and heartbreak I always felt that it was important to establish the expectations one had from the boyfriends. Funnily enough, growing up in Delhi, if the boyfriend did not make sure I got home safely, he was just not good enough! Sexist as it may have been, it was important to me. I have never stopped reminding my husband that on our first meeting at a friends’ home, he did not offer to follow my car home after a late dinner. In an unsafe city, it felt like it was the norm. I have been offered several excuses for the act since! Years later, my husband and I still let each other know we have reached our destinations intact. All it takes is a phone call or a message and it makes us happy to know we understand that about each other. Ask any man in a relationship and he will tell you that If you just let him know what you want, as opposed to making him guess, he will be much happier. The XY chromosome is just happier with established fact than overthinking what could be.

What changes as a relationship grows is that romantic walks, hand in hand, with shoulders brushing and hearts thumping cease to exist. Walks in lockdown are about steps, fitness, keeping up and a little competition. They won’t end in a stolen kiss but a rush to the loo to wash your hands and getting on with the rest of your day. In our heads, we know that we spent time together, even if we discussed children, bills and to do lists in the time that we walked side by side. We decided recently that we needed to walk 15000 steps a day, 6000 of those should be together. Its all part of the romance!

After we have spent a significant amount to time together and for a lot of our parents that’s closing in on the golden 50 years or more, the space we have been giving each other to keep our relationships happy and healthy starts to close in. I have noticed that the same company that was annoying when overdone is now valued much more. Pre-Covid my septuagenarian parents had started going to the movies together again, something they had not done in a long time. My mother circles and shares a newspaper article with my father who is 2 metres away because she knows he may have missed it. They walk together every evening because it is now routine, they are possibly still arguing about something mundane as they burn the miles. Neither is walking ahead of the other, they are finally in step. The happy news of the day is that their backs are in similar shape too, so all is in sync with a swanky new harder mattress now on which they will lie gleefully side by side. Happiness as a marriage ages is in enjoying these small pleasures to the absolute max, because they are finally content. There is nowhere else they would rather be- they have found “forever”.

Credit: The Railway Woman

The groom says, “You are my best friend, and staunchest well-wisher. You have come into my life, enriching it.” To this the bride says, “I promise to love and cherish you for as long as I live. Your happiness is my happiness, and your sorrow is my sorrow. I will trust and honour you and will strive to fulfil all your wishes’.

 It is in our nature and purely Darwinian to follow the theory of survival. Putting yourself first. Selfish as it may sound, it is how we are built. So how do you shape yourself to put someone other than your own flesh and blood before yourself? With a lot of mistakes, arguments and self-reflection is the answer I think, and it will always be work in progress for as long as we may live. When we acknowledge this as a couple and trust that our actions convey our best intentions only then can we be the best of friends. Or so I hope!

The adage, “You can choose your friends but not you relatives” holds so true for when we get married. I met my closest friends when I was 12 years old. It did not take us long to become friends, we slept in beds next to each other at boarding school. Did we know then that we would grow to cherish that bond 35 years on? Not at all, but it taught me what friendship was. Letting your friends be who they are, standing by them through good times and bad, playing together, fighting and making up but never letting that bond diminish. And it is no different when it come to a spouse. Never try and change them, all the other bits and bobs from the sentence before, and again, never letting that bond diminish. Only then will your spouse be your best friend.

PS: Don’t try and replace the friend with the spouse or the spouse with the friend. That way you lose both! Equally, while it would be great if they got on, the friend and spouse don’t need to be best friends. Respect that boundary. This is a realisation we grow into and if the bonds are strong both the friend and spouse will respect your choices.

The small things matter so much when you fulfil wishes for friends and family. My husband just walked in with fresh bagels from our favourite bakery, my wish for the day came true. We try to keep it simple. If I wished for something unattainable, I would be wishing for a long time. My son has been wishing for a dog for a while, it is a bit unattainable right now since I am not ready for a third child in the house! My husband wishes I would finish filing away the papers on my desk, that is also a bit unattainable right now, as the pile is really a bit big. Let’s continue to keep it simple. I’ll throw away some of that paper into the recycling bin first. He will just have to trust me to get it right!

Trust is the biggest five letter word I know and it certainly should be. Once lost, I think it would be very difficult to build back in any relationship. There are so many things I trust my husband with – our children, our finances, our wellbeing as a family and without question, he trusts me back. If either one of these are broken the damage would be irreparable.

What is honour? It is so hard to define. In marriage it could mean honouring the promises we make as well as showing respect for what we bring to each other and our relationship. I respect the order my husband brings to our life, I am terrible at taking care of the nitty-gritty. What I bring is strength and belief that we can weather any storm, I bring calm when the waters are rough and both of us know our strengths and honour them. And that I believe is Trust.. with a capital T.

As a family, when one member in the household is unhappy, it reflects on everyone. Whether that is through a bad temper, sulkiness or just a bad mood on a very bad day. All three options are completely dismal but we have to trust that tomorrow will be brighter. When I am angry and upset, everyone is upset. When my husband is angry or upset, we are all on edge. So just by default, that section of the vow holds true. Want it or not, his sorrow is my sorrow and my sorrow will certainly be his – its inescapable!

So far, as I go through exploring these seven vows, I feel humility holds the key to some form of success in a relationship. It takes away the anger and the ego, it helps in both sorrowful and euphoric moments. Selfish as we may be, if we apologise for our mistakes and recognise and acknowledge that we are making them, it will make for a stronger bond. I have to tell myself that quite often. But sorry does seem to be the hardest word – Elton John has been melodiously preaching that while plonking away on his piano for many years now!

So much of what I write is true to my thoughts and beliefs. For every couple and every marriage this will be different. Trust, honour and respect could bring divergent and contrasting meanings in different people’s lives. In my little cocoon, this is what they mean to me. Today they remind me that I have to respect the promises I have made, because in this topsy-turvy world, in good times and bad, we need to hold on to each other to pull through and chug along. My spouse is my constant and my soulmate… and so is my best friend, just in case she is reading this!

Credit: The Railway Woman