Love marriage or arranged marriage? It’s the eternal debate, a heated tug-of-war that’s played out in bedrooms, living rooms, and dinner tables, generation after generation, across the globe. But before we declare one as the champion of marital bliss, let’s ditch the rose-tinted glasses and peek at the cold, hard truths.

(Success) Rate It

Which one is better? Scratch that, you must be tempted to ask which is best? Studies show that while arranged marriages have a higher initial success rate, love marriages do tend to have a higher long-term satisfaction rate. Not a shocker, right? Turns out, love isn’t a lifelong guarantee, and the right wellwisher’s matchmaking skills might just take you by surprise. So, it’s never really about the origin story, but the quality of the partnership itself.

Love marriages do boast a slight edge in the “till death do us part” department. Studies suggest they last a smidge longer. It could be attributed to how a couple builds their relationship on shared chemistry and understanding, instead of prioritising family compatibility. But arranged marriages have their fair share of long-lasting romances too. It’s all about nurturing that spark, regardless of its ignition source.

Divorces? Love The Arranged

The divorce statistics paint a more nuanced picture. Arranged marriages, especially in certain cultures, see lower divorce rates. Could be the strong family support system, the emphasis on compromise, or simply the societal commitment to long-term stability. Why? Because in love marriages, people do have the freedom to walk away if things get bumpy (and no family pressure to “make it work”).

Do note that even though arranged marriages might have a lower divorce rate initially, this gap shrinks over time. This also doesn’t mean that all love marriages are doomed. Open communication, shared values, and a healthy dose of ‘I do’s’ not just for each other, but to get through the inevitable rough patches– it simply means both partners choose to work harder.

Arranged, With Love: Advantages & Disadvantages of Arranged vs. Love Marriage

Arranged marriage is better than a love marriage in the sense that it lets you bypass dating anxieties and offers built-in family support for conflicts. You’ve a whole set of family mediators ready to chaperone your disagreements– for better or for worse! But they are a gamble on compatibility, not passion. Since you do also skip the crucial “getting to know your person” bit. Think of it as a surprise vacation– you might land in paradise, or you might find yourself sharing a bed with a stranger. The better news? Lower expectations from the start mean less room for disappointment. And when the honeymoon phase inevitably melts into the daily grind, the transition is swift.

In contrast, love marriages offer freedom, compatibility, and flexibility, letting you choose your partner based on shared ideas of life and break societal barriers. You know each other’s quirks and can set your own timelines. But beware: passion can blind, cultural clashes can sting, and family support can be scarce. Choose wisely, as

alone doesn’t guarantee a smooth ride in the long haul.

Beyond Binaries: The Art of “Arranged Introductions”

The binary of arranged versus love marriages often overlook a nuanced, modern-day alternative: Enter the “arranged introduction.’

This approach, pioneered by Vows For Eternity, harnesses the wisdom of family networks while fostering genuine connections before marriage. It allows two like-minded people to navigate the often-daunting task of finding a compatible partner with the benefit of shared values and familial support, all while avoiding the pitfalls of societal pressures and impulsive decisions. Think of it as a bridge between tradition and modern sensibilities– a fulfilling journey built on both reason and genuine connection. In this age of meticulously planned lives, why leave your love lives entirely to chance? Take the reins and embrace the guidance of relationship experts, your loved ones, and above all, your gut.

Introspection, not just Instagrammable proposals.

After all, shouldn’t finding a life partner be as thoughtfully planned as any other life-defining decision? Remember, it’s not about how you met, but how you grow together. Now, go forth, be bold, and write your own happily-ever-after, arranged or otherwise!

Starting anew, particularly after divorce or the loss of a partner, can feel like an uphill battle. It takes incredible strength to pick up the pieces, grieve, and rebuild one’s life. When you suddenly find yourself single again at an older age, it’s easy to wonder if love has passed you by. 

Many challenges arrive – doubting your desirability, dealing with legal hassles, or the complexities of co-parenting. Yet, time is the ultimate healer. It enables you to love again and approach the future with hope and curiosity.  

Sometimes, love arrives unexpectedly, sweeping us off our feet as hope whispers, ‘This is the one I want by my side, forever’. However, even when love knocks again, many are hesitant to let this newfound happiness in. We understand that contemplating a new marriage can seem daunting at first, but rest assured that a second chance can prove to be equally, if not more, fulfilling and rewarding than the first. 

Here’s why you should give marriage another chance- 

1. You’re wiser now

Let’s face it, the first time around, we’re all a little clueless. Your first attempt at a new recipe, the first sweater you knit, or that first shelf you tried to assemble – perfection isn’t typically the starting point, is it? 

We’re all trying to figure out what we want in life, what we want in a partner, and how to make it all work. But now that you’ve been through it once, you have a better idea of what you’re looking for in a partner and what it takes to make it work.

2. You have more experience

Experience is the best teacher, and you’ve got plenty of it. You’ve not only learned the ropes of relationship dynamics but also mastered the art of knowing what to do (and what not to) to create a thriving partnership. 

You’ve learned from your mistakes and have a better understanding of what it takes to build something special. These expectations and boundaries now become your roadmap, guiding you through the twists and turns, showing you the paths to steer clear of, and the ones worth exploring.

3. You’re more confident

Divorce can be a blow to your self-esteem, but as time goes on, you start to regain your confidence. You know that you can survive on your own, from something as mundane as filing tax returns to those spontaneous solo trips. With this newfound self-reliance, you’re no longer seeking another marriage out of dependency, but rather out of a genuine desire for love. This newfound confidence and self-reliance can make you more attractive to potential partners and help you build a stronger, healthier relationship.

4. You know what’s important

Following a divorce, you have a better understanding of what’s truly important in life. With re-assessed priorities, you know that while material possessions do seem attractive, it’s the little things and tender moments with your loved ones that bring more joy. The appeal of cosy Netflix evenings often surpasses that of superficial thrills, and you’re looking for a partner who shares these ideas and values.

5. You deserve to be happy 

At the end of the day, we all deserve to be happy. Just because your first marriage didn’t work out doesn’t mean that you’re destined to be alone. You have the right to find love again and to build a fulfilling life and a happy home. 

Remember, the past should never condemn one to a life of solitude. The future will certainly appear intimidating and shrouded in uncertainties, but such is the nature of life. Beyond the barriers of our own fears, we all deserve someone to share our joys and sorrows with – to love and to be loved in return. As Oscar Wilde once cheekily remarked, “Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience”. So embrace this hope in your heart, and savour the possibilities it brings.

Spoiler Alert: The world is a big, bad place. Rejection, especially in dating and love, really stings and depending on how we’re feeling about ourselves, the pain can linger for a bit. Yet, it’s an almost inevitable side effect of putting yourself out there. Feeling bad makes you as human as they come. It isn’t just a given in the experience but an essential skedaddle until you find someone who truly makes you happy. Here’s a little plan to deal with rejection that can help you grow from the experience of being turned down without feeling like your love life has been toppled upside down.

Date Like a Detective 

Think of every introduction as a quest for compatibility. Approach each date with the curiosity of a detective solving a case. You’re gathering clues, not trying to pass a test. This mindset shift can make rejection feel more like a puzzle piece that didn’t fit rather than a personal attack.

Evaluate Your Emotional State

Do you feel drained or unmotivated after going on back-to-back dates? Are you avoiding dating altogether due to feeling overwhelmed or burnt out? Are you quick to dismiss a connection by focusing on their flaws? If yes, take a raincheck and look at the larger picture.

Accept the Awkwardness 

Go on dates only when you feel the social battery in you to be fully present or engaged. Instead of running from it, embrace the awkwardness– laugh at yourself, share embarrassing stories, and you’ll find that rejection loses its sting when you’re having fun along the way.

Keep a Dating Diary

Sounds deranged for any adult? We know. But if you jot down your experiences, what you learned, and how you felt, you could use it to track patterns, discover what works for you, what doesn’t, and identify areas for improvement. It’s like creating your own dating instruction manual; with each entry, you become wiser and more resilient.

Stir The Pot

Do you find yourself choosing the same place over and over for an IRL date? Or reaching out for the same shirt in your closet? It could be a coping mechanism to blame it on your ‘date spot’ or ‘date outfit’ in case things go awry. Show excitement in planning interesting or unique dates, switch up your presentation, and it might all be well worth the chance!

Flip the Script

Be mindful when you’re believing anxious assumptions. Most often, they are not our most accurate representations. Are you able to show up as your authentic self? Think more about the whys or why-nots when you wish to take conversations forward with potential connections.

Instead of fearing rejection, celebrate it! Each no or maybe or uh-huh or even ‘will I ever see you again?’ is a stepping stone towards the right person. It’s a reminder that you’re taking risks, learning and being quite brave through a vulnerability maze. Bonus points for embracing the journey with a sense of adventure.

Matchmaking in India has a rich history that reflects the country’s deep-rooted cultural values and traditions. Over time, the process of finding a life partner has undergone significant changes, with the rise of technology and changing social values contributing to its evolution. From ancient India to the present age of modernity and technology, marriage has still maintained its sacred element. Be it ancient swayamwars of the past or the right swiping of today, marriage is still taken very seriously, with emphasis placed on finding a partner who truly fits the family structure. 

In traditional matchmaking, community matchmakers were responsible for finding suitable matches for eligible bachelors and bachelorettes. These matchmakers would often be women in the community who came together and used their knowledge of various families and their social standing to match individuals based on caste, religion, and family status. Once both families approved the match, the marriage would go ahead. The process of putting names in temples seeking divine intervention for finding a life partner is still prevalent in some parts of India. 

Arranged marriages have been an integral part of Indian culture, where a union of two souls was given a divine and sacred status. In arranged marriages, the family members of the bride and groom take on the responsibility of finding a match, basing their decision on factors such as caste, religion, family status, education, and job prospects. Although the process of arranged marriage is still widely practised, the process has become more formalised over the years. Gradually, parents would present a bunch of choices to their children who had an increased autonomy and a right to choose their partner, even under the arranged marriage structure. In the era before the rise of digital technology, matrimonial ads in the newspapers played a significant role in the arranged marriage landscape. Due to limited space, the ads were condensed into a couple of words describing the seeker and a few words for the groom or bride they are looking for. As the two identities were reduced to a few impressive and carefully chosen keywords, the essence of love and compatibility was lost between age, height, caste, profession, and complexion. 

As the country modernised, the advent of technology and the internet revolutionised the concept of matchmaking in India. Online matrimonial websites became increasingly popular due to their convenience – this ensured a wider range of options as matches were no longer limited to recommendations from neighbours, acquaintances, and relatives. These websites provided a platform for individuals to create a profile, search for suitable matches, and communicate with potential partners. However, in the quest for convenience, the essence of finding a soulmate can sometimes be lost. Marriage is not just a union of two families or two biodates, but of two seekers of love who are going to build a life together. An increased reliance on algorithms and filters fails to incorporate any soul or passion into the search. 

In the realm of modern marriages, it’s imperative to ensure that the soul is never lost, and that the process of finding one’s life partner never becomes mechanised. When two people choose to spend their lives together, in sickness and in health, it’s a promise that transcends all the confinements of age, height, complexion and salary that archaic marital conventions had compartmentalised them in. It necessitates a complete submission to love, a profound faith in our own ideals, an unwavering trust in destiny, and a bespoke search for the right person in the right place.

They say life is at its most difficult when you are hitting 50! You are usually a full-time parent or spouse and you are reaching the last decade or two of a hopefully well-established career.  Life should feel full if you are also in a place where you feel you have a good social life, can afford a nice holiday once in a while, and are getting to the milestones you set out for yourself when you were 20. Is there a problem then?

I have not lived with either my parents or my in-laws for longer than 6-8 weeks since I have been married. The idea intimidates me. I feel that while I happily sustain the arrangement over a finite period, my marriage would weigh down by the pressure of parental influence over the long term. I truly hope I am both wrong and paranoid. I must add that no parent has shown any interest in living with us either!

Couples that fall in this group that feel they need to start parenting the parents is ever increasing. Living oceans away from them never helps the situation. Discussions with friends and family living in the same moment always portray similar fears, yet so many times I feel that we don’t discuss the subject enough. It’s almost as if brushed under the carpet, it will stay hidden.

We look to our parents for support all the time. When we are young, they help educate us, support us through getting married, understand our grievances with spouses and in-laws, and even happily offer childcare when we need it. They encourage us through our careers and guide us through panic, so why are we afraid when it is our time to give back? Is the guilt and responsibility we feel warranted? When the septuagenarian now share opinions, we don’t necessarily have the patience or make the time to lend them our ear.  As we evolve, age and experiences have also brought us to that point where they need our opinions, ideas, and advice more than we need theirs, and the realisation always comes as a curveball to us as much as it does to them.

This role reversal, accompanied by our distance away from them, is usually a very solemn discussion with my husband. He has been suggesting in the last year that we need to think about and plan how we hope to deal with the parents aging, their travel, and care, while we continue to bring up two adolescent children miles away. We also then wonder what values we are inculcating in these kids, are we setting the “right” example when we don’t fully partake in the responsibility and care of our parents?

Speaking to a friend a while back about aging parents, marriage, and how we deal with these issues as a couple, she described her situation. She said her father was hitting 80, and unwell, and as a family, they may need to consider moving him to a care home with easy access for her mother and siblings. She said there was no dignity for him being cared for by one of his children. He would rather have someone young, energetic, and professional cleaning his bum than suffer the indignity of one of his children doing it!

Indian parents, who have experienced being carers for their parents and in-laws don’t quite see it the same way. They want to be surrounded by the love, care, and hustle and bustle of people in a household that keep them both young and involved in their home and they are far from wrong. Social pressures and a lack of good medical and care environments have never seen the care industry thrive in India. Help and care for those that can afford to have individual carers in their home has also not created a demand and market for care homes. The guilt of not looking after your parents personally is compounded by various family members throwing it in your face at regular intervals too, though I feel this is decreasing with time and understanding.

As a couple that has been married for close to two decades, can our marriage withstand the change of letting our parents back into our lives? If one set of parents requires help more than the other, is that unfair to the relevant spouse? Will the bickering over the new normal make the marriage uncomfortable? How will we deal with it, and surely our parents will have their own opinion and point of view. After all, the parents’ lives will see equal change, a loss of well-established independence and they will have to deal with the constant sound of our voices, something they are just not used to anymore.

Would my dad prefer someone young, energetic, and professional cleaning his bum when he can’t do so himself, I am quite sure the answer to that is YES, but how will he feel when summer arrives and he has no one to chit-chat with as he watches Wimbledon on TV.

Since childhood, I starkly recall the tears and goodbyes each time my father left to defend the borders of our country. Sure we missed him, but other than that, what it really entailed– including bringing up the children or managing a home alone– those repercussions never really impacted us much. So, even though the concept of long-distance relationships is not new or alien to me, the impact of the trials and tribulations of day-to-day living without your partner only hit me when I stood face to face with them in my own marriage.

Oblivious to the outside world, we lived a sheltered life in a small backward town in Uttar Pradesh, where my husband ran his industry. All seemed manageable and well till my daughter turned five and was ready for school. After a rather traumatic hit-and-miss attempt at boarding school, I had no choice but to shift to the serene and picturesque hill station we’d chosen for her school. Usually, I would’ve been ecstatic at being away from a joint family, amidst so much beauty, except that that meant living alone with my five-year-old.

Never had I ever lived on my own and taken care of anyone else – my mom always did that for us. I didn’t even know the names of dals, leave aside learning how to cook – for the staff always did that. It was a nightmare! There were no mobile phones back then, and calls had to be booked through telephone operators to be able to talk to one another, with a maximum talking time of six minutes. There was no television to speak of, with Krishi Darshan and movie songs being the only popular telecasts. Dropping in at the neighbours was a 15-minute walk through the hills. I did all of that from when I was just 25, starry-eyed and filled with Mills and Boon ideas of romance, for the next ten years, till my elder daughter finished schooling, and I not only survived but learned to live.

There is a saying that goes,

“If you want to live together, you first need to learn how to live apart”
~Anonymous.

Despite times being simpler with gadgets, machines and other lifestyle conveniences, life today is much more complicated. Mobile phones are great to have, but we have round-the-clock access to each other– video calls and texting so that one can’t escape minute-by-minute tracking of one another. To many, it may be the most significant measure and the epitome of love, but with time it gets intrusive and stressful. In all of this, what only matters is not how many times one calls the other, but the fact that are you or will you be there for me when I need you?

Being together in the same home doesn’t always mean the relationship is beautiful. We lived in the same house together but could not even sit next to each other or exchange words in front of our family. There is much more anticipation, excitement and mystery in a long-distance relationship. For when you meet, all the distance fades, and you both are in the moment, together, giving your best to each other. Just holding hands, going for a walk together, or simply talking and listening to each other way into the night; these moments make for the shared, glee-filled lasting memories.

Together or apart, each relationship continues to grow and change as each one of us evolves over time. Of course, there are jealousies, insecurities, and doubts, especially when we’re away from each other. The trick is to constantly reassure one another of our love, commitment and loyalty. We need to find things to do ‘together’, although apart – through dialogue, reading the same books, watching the same movies and then discussing them later.

Distance makes the heart grow fonder and is not just a cliched quote repeated into oblivion. It’s a conscious choice made daily– a feeling of being so connected that the miles in between cease to matter. You are so secure in each other and yet free to follow your individual passions and pursuits. It is utterly essential to be in a committed relationship and still continue to remain true to ourselves.

But then, these are just my musings.
~Angels’ Musings

I come from a service family with a set of liberal and forward-thinking parents, who, however, always upheld the norms of society. They inculcated in us three siblings the importance and necessity of a good education over the fluctuating value of money. I repeatedly heard my parents say, “Education is the best investment we’ve given our children.” Despite a comfortable lifestyle, service class resources were always limited, yet we were empowered to the best of our ability to chase our dreams.

My mother was not a working woman, but we never seemed to lack whatever we needed, most of all, love and emotional support. Of course, times were different then; life was simpler, expectations from parents weren’t high, and our needs were few. But the healthy mix of love, laughter, and discipline holds me in good stead even over half a century later today. I did work for a while before marriage, and what a feeling it was! Being able to spend without thinking, to be able to buy things for the home, or just the feeling of being able to contribute in my own way gave me immeasurable joy and unwavering self-worth.

And then began the tread of ups and downs – more downs than ups, if I’m being candid– and I began to see with clarity the value of being a working woman, which I, unfortunately, was unable to achieve then. Maybe things would’ve worked out differently for us. Indeed, my children would’ve been financially more secure, but to counter the absence of which, I enriched them emotionally, and I’d like to believe that has played an intrinsic role in moulding them for the future.

I firmly believe, married or not, our daughters need to be financially independent to stand on their own feet and contribute towards the family income. With it, not only comes a sense of selfhood and achievement but an immense sense of responsibility and agency in the face of all odds. Children, too, learn a lot from working moms– they begin to value and respect hard work and learn to contribute in their ways towards household chores. However, just like everything else, this has a downside. On the one hand, we command greater respect by adding to a single income, and yet we also no longer feel the need to mould and adjust to circumstances at home or to improve the marriage. We start believing we can make it totally on our own, which upsets the delicate balance between Yin and Yang. Not just the money but also the warmth, care and concern we, as women, possess is equally nourishing. And yet, the home may feel complete without the presence and balance brought by the man of the house.

The best gift to give to our children is to encourage and empower them to be financially independent, to go after their dreams, and to use their education and ability to the maximum. We need them to understand that to grow taller and taller, our roots need to go deeper under the gravel so that we stand firm, grounded and unshakeable.

I may not have been able to work when I needed to the most, but life has given me a second chance. My daughter encouraged me to start working, and lo! Here I am, now at 70, with so much to look forward to at every new dawn. It feels like emancipation in its truest sense because I have achieved not just what my parents strived for but also a sense of completion and a well-lived life by and for myself.

~Angels’ Musings

I am the daughter of two immigrant parents who are, by all accounts, are a product of a successful arranged marriage, which will turn 50 in December. I was born in a small southern town in the US. My folks were among the first Indian families to grace the Blue Ridge Mountains.  And for as long as I can remember I have been caught between two cultures. The dance I had to do between being born in America and brought up by Indian immigrant parents was never more on display than when it came to relationships – love, dating, marriage… all of it.

I consider myself very lucky to have an open relationship with my parents. They are quite progressive and truly fostered my independence in every aspect of my life. But, there was a great divide when it came to dating. Simply put, my mom could not relate. At all. Casual dating  was a foreign concept to her. She did not stand in my way of dating, but she also could not ever really understand it. In high school I fell in love for the first time. HARD. I dated a boy for 3 years. As we sailed into the spring semester of senior year, he smashed my heart into 4000 pieces. That is a story for another day, but I will never forget my mom’s reaction. I was left broken in the way only a first love heartbreak can leave you. My mom swiftly tried to come to the rescue. She arranged a dinner out with a few of my best girl friends. As we lifted our forks to eat my mom made a quick toast. I was starting to tear up, imagining what words of comfort and strength she would impart to her wounded daughter. She took my hand and held it gently, like she has so many times over my life. She looked deeply into my eyes, then around the table of my girlfriends who had lifted me and held my fragile heart and simply said, “Well, aren’t we all glad that is over”. That was it. We never spoke another word about it.

Dating was simply one of the few things we could not really, honestly talk about. My mom’s ideas and notions of dating came not from her own experiences, but from watching soap operas. Her standards and expectations of a partner were less based in reality, and  more based on romantic comedies. For a long while, this led me down a dangerous path of holding unrealistically high expectations for love, relationships and for the people I was dating.  I envisioned date nights to be wild, romantic, over the top acts. Imagine walking into your bedroom with a new dress laid out on your bed with a note attached to be ready at 8. Followed by a whirlwind evening filled with surprise after surprise – dinner at your favorite place, a concert, coming home to your bed covered in rose petals… you get the idea. But, that, that is the stuff only in movies. Those ridiculous romantic ideals are smoke and mirrors and oftentimes fade as quickly as they appear. It also can lead you down a yellow brick road that leads to nowhere, but disappointment. Disappointment in others, in your relationship, and, worst of all,  disappointment in yourself for allowing these ridiculous expectations to swirl around in your head and color your love life.

It has taken me a while, but I’ve come to realize that I am a much happier, more fulfilled person, and better partner if I ease up on expectations. I stopped chasing the mirage and looking wildly from side to side searching for the perfect relationship anywhere I could find it on the horizon. We are all only human. None of us are actors on a movie set. Nor are we stepping out from the perfectly curated pictures posted on social media. We are real people trying to navigate through the muddy waters of life and hopefully do that with a partner alongside us. Once you have that person, let’s all try to ease up expectations – of ourselves, of them, of the relationship. The excitement of the new relationship will wane, and after it does, you want to have a relationship based in reality. One that includes some whirlwind date nights, of course.  But also one where you can be real with each other. Honest with each other. Lowered expectations lead to a greater acceptance of each other, and that can make even doing the laundry together feel like something truly special. And, after the laundry, cuddle up on the couch, turn on the latest Hollywood blockbuster romcom, laugh, squeeze each other’s hand and be grateful those expectations end when the credits role.

My daughter is graduating high school this Saturday and I’m wondering what to wear to the ceremony her school has luckily organized for the class of 2020. I should be thinking about what to say to her, words of wisdom she can carry to university and beyond, but it’s so much easier to pick a sari than find the right words. What new is there to say? I’m a housewife and my story is a somewhat cautionary tale she’s heard a million times before.
Once upon a time there was a soft-spoken young girl who dreamed of living a life of adventure and becoming a conflict-zone correspondent. This was incompatible with the ideal Indian Marriage her family envisioned for her, so the girl decided to become a dentist, instead. It was not to be. The girl failed med school entrance exams and doomed herself to the wastelands of Economics, on the rebound. With a barely-passed degree in hand, she moved to the land of pagodas to spend a ‘belated gap year’ with her parents. While her friends back home interned in newsrooms, earned a living, partied, dated, and rented apartments, the girl volunteered at the international school and took lessons in guitar, painting, computers, flower arrangement, and tennis. Soon, well meaning aunties started whispering to her about Monday-fasts and a fairy godmother appeared with deets of a suitable Indian boy. Intelligent. Educated. Independent. Decent. Attractive. Similar background.
“Really?” gasped the girl, aghast.
“Life is better with a companion and when you find the right one, don’t look a gift horse in the mouth!” advised her father.
“The good ones get snapped up fast, so best not wait until you’re left with the dregs,” warned her mother.
“The boy’s mother is a real diamond,” nudged the fairy godmother.
So, flights were booked and a meeting of parents, grandparents, siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins, and close family friends from both sides was called. Tea, pastries, sandwiches, and many pleasantries later it was agreed that the boy and girl could step out into the garden for a chat. “Nirula’s Banana-split is my favourite and I love chana-bhaturas,” said the girl. “I like Hot-chocolate-fudge and pao-bhaji,” said the boy.
“Gabbar or Mogambo?”
“Gabbar!”
“Me too!”
“Asterix or Tin-Tin?”
“Asterix!”
“Me too!”
“What’s your favourite Disney movie?”
“Aladdin!”
“Mine too! Your ideal wife?”
“Intelligent, with twinkling eyes, meets me with a smile. Your ideal husband?” “Handsome, intelligent, treats me like a princess.”
“Done!”
“Do you have a motorbike?”
“Yes… and, better, a magic carpet!”
“Done!”
The ‘roka’ happened quickly, followed by a formal engagement, and before the 21 year old princess and 22 year old prince could name and shame their respective troublemaking mamus and masis, they were married and sailing into the sunset on a magic carpet… blissfully unaware
that the story was just beginning.
The carpet carried the couple way out beyond their comfort zones to faraway new lands and landscapes, some rough, some smooth; through stormy weather and calm; good times and bad; lessons, wanted and unwanted; across countries, cities, and continents, some exotic, some not. Rules were made and unmade, there were tantrums and truces, apologies and promises, a million little compromises and kindnesses, red lines drawn and withdrawn, castles built and erased, wishes fulfilled and postponed. Along the way they added a baby and when the baby asked for a puppy, they got a pup. There were diapers and TeleTubbies, picture books and encyclopedias, vaccines, dolls, birthday parties, report cards, playdates, festivals, braces, college counsellors, and holidays. There was laughter and tears, giggles and barks, debates and dictats, new mistakes and old, joy, pride, worries, and satisfaction. There was friendship, companionship, sacrifice, inexperience, romance, and parenthood. Memories were lived and recorded…
“Is this the life of adventure I dreamed of?” thought the girl, a lady now, seated on the magic carpet, sipping the tea her husband and soulmate of 23 years had made for her. The clue lay in something her daughter wrote for her university application:
“…. this is the answer to a dream I never knew I had.”
I’m not sure what to wear to my daughter’s graduation, but I know what I want to say as she steps into the same old brand new world…
“Make what you like of my fairytale, but remember, my darling… there is no script. Write your own…”

Cycling down the scenic Toronto Islands, the skyline emerges even clearer, as do the host of couples driving past me. I wonder if my ‘happily ever after’ too, would squeeze into prickly bicycling gear on an odd August morning for a weekend escape.

All these years, my gaze was like the scattered light of a disco ball. A bit all over the place and ready to be hitched at the first romantic vision  of “accidentally bumping” into someone– The ‘One’, for me, to be precise. But dating in your 30s, is all about being a laser-focused beam. You eye your targets and lock eyes with the right prey. And after a much-requested rewatch of Indian Matchmaking, conversations with my family have found a new life of their own. My parents display an unwavering faith in my recently acquired skillset– of rejecting proposals and inventing the most creative red flags to seal their fate. Mismatched socks on the second date? Red. Dislikes animals but furry cats in particular? Red. Stared at my hands for way too long? That’s at least a deep maroon!

After making friends with many palm readers, and eventually myself, I’m now at a point in my life where I know exactly what I’m looking for. The laser beam has narrowed further and I refuse to spend my time on approaches that have no potential. The idea of meeting someone online, conversing, figuring them out and then taking it from there, seems excellent. But personally, this window shopping for dates and introductions had never worked for me. Hence, much like my befitting corporate leap, I was on a journey to optimise for healthy, aligned connections with that much more speed and ease.

Here, my mother’s optimisation tactics deserve a special mention of their own too. Her browser history is replete with searches that could unbolt the darkest of Alibaba’s caves, or summon the witches right back from their stakes. The first tab calls out to the ‘Best Matchmaker in Canada’, and the seventeenth, rather slyly, settles for ‘Canada Matrimony’.  Nestled between them are her more rooted visions, for Indian Matrimonial Services and Exclusive NRI Matchmaking. These searches, coupled with her strong desire to see me off as a bride in ammachi’s deep vermillion Kanchivaram silk, call on me to find the promise of that golden fairytale future, someday, in time. Surely, there is a drumroll insert somewhere in here.

But if you’re someone like me, who has had a few failed relationships, and a heavier heart thereafter, know that the peddle can get rough. For the longest hour, a long-term partnership may feel like a pipe dream. For a part of me, it still does. But the more I infuse a positive approach into the wheels of this bus, the negative thinking stops churning around the same self-sabotaging behaviours. When I notice my mind spinning its wheels in the mud of my own past fears, I simply opt for compassion and choose a new thought.

And my baggage here may have helped me qualify for a weightlifting open too. But instead I chose to invest in an emotional muscle or two. I wrote down the names of the last few people I had been with. Right next to each name, I listed the top five things I liked about them and the top five things that I didn’t. I looked for any patterns. Mine was a bold chevron. One that eventually gets overwhelming with each stripe because of my anxious attachment style. Deep breaths, yeah? Then I underlined the qualities that I liked the most. Voila! These qualities are what you should look for in your search for a life partner.

It is an ongoing process. I’m learning, myself, from scratch. But more importantly, I’m living, from abundance. Now when I meet someone new, I give them a fair chance. And no matter how fierce Taylor’s lyrics get, I’m not about to destine myself to a life alone with the cats on a couch, if the first introduction doesn’t work out. Me and my jade roller go to bed each night knowing that I’m doing my best to put forth intentional action. And yet sometimes the thing we are trying to grasp for is being held out of our reach because something better is already heading our way.

I hastily cycle past the rather romantic spots of the lush Toronto parkland, but the thought of returning to this place with better company is not once lost. When the scene is set right, it must not be as straining to lose yourself under the gaze of a gazillion lofty lights. It has taken a while for me to trust my gaze. But now that I do, all that remains is for the stars to align.