Live-in relationships have stirred up a lot of conversations in India, with reactions ranging from conservative hawww’s in unison to more liberal outlooks of acceptance. Some believe that what two adults choose to do with their lives is no one’s business, as long as it’s not illegal (which live-ins aren’t, fortunately), while some argue that the idea itself is fundamentally against our cultural heritage.

However, despite all the uproar against globalisation and Western culture, Indians are no strangers to the idea of live-in relationships, even if they wouldn’t approve of them closer to home. From Salaam Namaste back in 2005 to blockbusters like Pyaar Ka Punchnama (2011), Cocktail (2012), Aashiqui 2 (2013), or Luka Chhupi (2019), cohabitation has been very normal on Indian screens.

While there may be dissenting opinions from conservative circles, it’s essential to recognise that the concept of what is ‘decent’ and culturally acceptable is subjective and constantly evolving. India’s rich diversity encompasses various levels of modernisation and acceptance. Whether one opts for a love marriage or an arranged one, delving into a profound understanding of a partner is pivotal.

It’s important to create a space where individuals can make informed choices about their relationships and lives. Here are some factors to be considered when choosing to cohabitate with your partner:

Legal Landscape and Rights

It’s important to acknowledge that although live-in relationships are not illegal in India, they lack the same legal recognition as marriage. This absence of formal recognition can pose challenges, particularly for couples who don’t view marriage as the endgame. Issues such as property rights, inheritance, and child custody may become more complex without the legal safeguards afforded to married couples. A comprehensive legal framework has yet to be established, leaving many aspects of these relationships uncertain and potentially precarious.

The Conservative Viewpoint

Traditional sections of Indian society still view live-in relationships as taboo and a threat to cultural values. Such relationships are often seen as a sign of rebellion against societal norms and disrespect for the institution of marriage. Additionally, there are concerns regarding the implications of live-in arrangements on family dynamics, as well as apprehensions surrounding the rights of women in the absence of a formal, legally recognised union.

The Compatibility Factor

They say you truly get to know someone once you get to live with them, and living together may either solidify your bond or help you take the rose-tinted glasses off. Whatever the result is, Isn’t it preferable to explore these dynamics before committing to a lifetime together?

Consider how your partner responds when faced with adversity. Do they remain level-headed or become irritable when things don’t go as planned? How do they handle everyday inconveniences, like slow wifi or a malfunctioning air-conditioner? Are they willing to share household responsibilities, such as kitchen duties or taking out the trash? The answers to these questions can reveal compatibility in a relationship. By experiencing life together under one roof, you gain valuable insights into each other’s habits, attitudes, and communication styles. This firsthand knowledge is invaluable in making informed decisions about the future of your relationship.

Globally, the prevalence of cohabitation or living together as unmarried partners has significantly increased, nearly doubling since 1990. In a survey conducted by Pew Research, 44% of all adults, and over half of adults aged 30 to 49, disclosed that they have cohabited at some stage in their lives. Interestingly, among those who have cohabited, approximately two-thirds (64%) viewed this living arrangement as a progression toward marriage
The discourse surrounding live-in relationships sparks discussions about individual rights, privacy, evolving social norms, and redefining relationships in modern India. As society progresses, it’s vital to engage in open, respectful conversations about these choices, respecting adults’ autonomy in shaping their lives and relationships. In the prevalent culture of arranged marriages in India, understanding one’s partner deeply may not always top the list of priorities. However, by weighing the pros and cons, individuals can make informed decisions about whether live-in relationships align with their relationship goals.

In an era dominated by smartphones, constant connectivity, and 14-hour screen times, our lives have undergone a profound transformation. The world, once compartmentalised, has now shrunk and merged into one interconnected reality. While this shift offers undeniable convenience, it has etched a lasting impact on our relationships, raising concerns about the toll it takes on genuine human connections. As the entire world resides at our fingertips, are we inadvertently allowing our real-world relationships to slip away?

The Problem:

Imagine a couple sharing a couch, both engrossed in their individual screens, physically together but emotionally worlds apart. Unfortunately, it’s the reality of more households than you’d think. The advent of smartphones, laptops, and tablets has given rise to a digital divide, where the hypnotic allure of screens pulls us away from the present. While we spend hours scrolling through fleeting dopamine hits, reality slips through our fingers. The convenience of constant connectivity, ironically, hinders genuine connection in your life, leading to feelings of alienation and the loss of emotional depth. Amid the appeal of celebrity gossip, fashion trends, sports updates, and global affairs, there arises a need, as Gen Z puts it, to “touch grass.”

Unplugging Together:

The first step toward bridging the digital divide in relationships is to consciously unplug together – a modern-day echo of our parents urging us to step away from our computers and embrace the outdoors. However, this time around, the responsibility of discipline lies with us.

Establishing mutually agreed-upon periods, ideally daily, creates sacred moments of disconnection from the digital realm. It might be as simple as powering down devices during dinner or committing to a few screen-free minutes before bed. By sharing this commitment, couples can rekindle the undivided attention and presence that technology often robs from intimate moments.

Technology Agreements:

Setting clear guidelines on when technology is off-limits can be a powerful tool in mitigating the negative impact of constant connectivity. Designate specific times or activities during which gadgets are set aside, allowing couples to engage fully in each other’s company. This might involve a pact to keep phones away during meals or agree on a technology-free window during shared activities. Establishing these boundaries not only carves out space for meaningful connection but also reinforces the idea that certain moments are sacred and technology-free. This practice is equally helpful for couples with children, as instilling healthy habits from a young age sets the foundation for a balanced relationship with technology.

Catch Each Other in the Moment:
In a world where scrolling through social media often takes precedence over real-life conversations, intentionally catching each other in the moment becomes crucial. Create opportunities for genuine, screen-free interactions. During intimate times, put away the gadgets and engage in face-to-face conversations. Ask questions, share experiences, and consciously allocate more time to activities you both cherish.

While it might seem obvious, the reality is that these priorities can easily slip away in the hustle of daily life. Whether it’s an exotic trip to the Bahamas, a long-awaited trek, or the simplicity of a domestic stroll or grocery run, the key is to dedicate quality time together—sans the intrusion of phones. Prioritising these moments can help couples rebuild emotional intimacy and foster a deeper understanding of each other.

In our tech-dominated era, recognising the impact of technology on relationships is crucial. As screens vie for attention, these small acts of intentional disconnection can serve as lifelines, tethering us back to the tangible connection we share with our family. By embracing the art of unplugging, we can reclaim the essence of meaningful relationships, ensuring they flourish here and now, in our physical reality. In this pursuit of balance, let’s remember that profound moments are often found in the simplicity of being present with those we love.

First dates and meetings can be thrilling, nerve-wracking, and everything in between. Add an arranged marriage situation to the mix, and that raises the stakes even higher. In the world of arranged marriages, first encounters aren’t just butterflies and awkward smiles; they’re stepping stones to a lifetime ahead. While it’s natural to start with the basics, asking about their favourite F1 teams or indie artists isn’t enough. You must dive deeper to understand their perspectives, future goals, and what truly stirs their heart.

To ensure a solid foundation for future dates and, possibly, a life together, it’s essential to ask all
the right questions. Here are eight pivotal questions to ask before an arranged marriage to ensure
alignment and understanding between potential partners:

1. What are your long-term aspirations, and how do you envision your life in the next five to ten years?

Before commitment, delve deeper into each other’s future aspirations. Ask what lies ahead- are there mountains to climb, businesses to build, or families to nurture? Discuss life goals, hopes for the future, and your envisioned life journey together. By sharing these aspirations, we can unveil any potential misalignments and build a foundation of compatibility. It’s about co-creating a future that reflects your unique desires, not just fitting into someone else’s vision.

2. Do you want children?

Do tiny footprints paint your future dreams? Be it a joyful “yes,” a hesitant “maybe,” or a firm “no,” share your desires honestly. Remember, every answer deserves respect. Family planning includes candid conversations about the desire for children and the ideal number, considering factors like career goals, finances, and age. Before getting married, this is one of the most important topics to be on the same page about.

3. What role do you envision for our families in our future life together?

Openly discuss your desired levels of involvement, both from your and your partner’s families. Remember, just as some crave the comfort of close-knit clans, others prefer a more independent space. Speak frankly about boundaries, decision-making regarding in-laws, living arrangements, and expectations around caregiving. Acknowledge and
respect cultural norms, but don’t let them overshadow your own needs and aspirations as
a couple.

4. How do you handle disagreements or conflicts?

Whether you’re a natural pacifist, prefer a cooling-off period, brush issues under the rug, or express emotions immediately and assertively – how you handle disputes reflects your inner self. Understanding each other’s conflict styles is crucial for evaluating long-term compatibility. Individuals valuing open communication may struggle with silent treatments, while those favouring avoidance may find fiery arguments challenging. Consider if your disagreement styles clash and how it might impact marital harmony.

5. What priorities do you assign to your career and personal life?

Picture your perfect day, is it conquering a board meeting or trekking with loved ones? Or perhaps it’s a blend of both, where career ambitions seamlessly intertwine with family time. Express your priorities on work-life balance and explore if they align with your partner’s. In the early stages, unravel these aspirations, discuss where your heart truly lies, and co-create a vision that harmonises your professional and personal lives.

6. What are your views on finances, savings, and spending?

Let’s be real, finances matter. Don’t let the “awkward money talk” linger, and have open, honest conversations about financial compatibility early on to build a strong foundation for your future. Discuss any existing debts, your spending habits, and how you envision shared expenses.

7. What are your dealbreakers in a relationship?

We all have boundaries, those lines in the sand we don’t want crossed. Sharing these non-negotiables early on isn’t about creating walls, but about building bridges of understanding and saving each other from future heartbreak. Are their dealbreakers compatible with your values and lifestyle? Discuss openly, and explore if they’re absolute or have areas for growth.

8. What are your core values?

Cliché or not, core values reveal the essence of a person. They are the compass directing their choices and actions, reflecting who they are when times get tough. Ideas like integrity and compassion aren’t just buzzwords – but principles that ultimately reveal their character. So, go beyond the surface and understand how they perceive and navigate the world. It’s in these values that you uncover the depth and authenticity of an
individual.

While deciding on a life partner after just one meeting is unrealistic, the initial conversation lays the groundwork for the future. While Indian and American arranged marriages may have significant differences, it’s essential to approach these discussions with wisdom, patience, and understanding. Remember, this isn’t a test, but a conversation. Don’t just ask questions, but listen deeply and introspect. Let your souls speak, and see if the answers resonate.

For more, talk to our premium matchmaking specialists at Vows for eternity.

It’s an age-old riddle: What is the best age to get married? This question, rooted in the crossroads of tradition and modernity, reverberates throughout life, echoing through conversations with family, friends, and even within our own minds. While deciding the best age for marriage is subjective and inherently personal, diverse perspectives offer insights into this timeless question.

Let’s address the legalities upfront. In India, the legal age for marriage is 18 for women and 21 for men. However, the ‘right’ age is less about legality and more about individual aspirations, societal expectations, and biological realities.

The Roaring Twenties: Traditionally, early marriages were the norm, with the 20s being the preferred entry point into matrimony. Research backs this up to an extent. According to a study by the Demographic Research Unit in Kerala, the best age to get married for a man is between 25-30, and for a woman between 20-25, as indicated by the lower divorce rates.

However, the modern Indian youth paints a different picture. With rising educational pursuits and career ambitions, the 20s are often seen as a time for self-discovery and professional establishment. A 2022 survey by the Times of India revealed that only 5% of urban youth preferred marriage in their 20s, with the focus shifting towards financial stability and emotional maturity. This coincides with the completion of frontal lobe development around 25, linked to better decision-making and emotional regulation.

Nicholas Wolfinger, a sociologist at the University of Utah, posits the Goldilocks Theory, suggesting that the late 20s to early 30s is the perfect age for marriage, neither too young nor too old, but “just right”.

The Evolving Thirties: Stepping into the 30s brings a different dance to the equation. Societal pressures begin to simmer, and the “biological clock” ticks louder for some. Women, in particular, face the pressure of declining fertility rates after 35. Men, while not experiencing the same sharp decline, also witness a gradual decrease after 40.

However, the 30s also bring financial stability, emotional grounding, and a clearer vision for the future. For career-driven individuals, this can be the sweet spot for finding a compatible partner who complements their goals and aspirations. Studies have shown that marriages in the late 30s tend to be more stable and satisfying, likely due to increased maturity and self-awareness. As they say, the more we settle into ourselves, the better we get at settling down with others.
As for biological considerations, modern science offers solutions like egg freezing for women prioritising careers in their 20s and early 30s, preserving the option to build families later.

The Enigmatic Forties: In India, the 40s and beyond were once considered a ‘late’ stage for marriage. However, contemporary times have rewritten this narrative. Women are delaying motherhood, pursuing their careers, and embracing solo living with gusto. Men are redefining masculinity, prioritising health and wellness, and embracing fatherhood later in life.
For individuals in their 40s, marriage becomes a conscious choice, often fueled by a desire for companionship and shared experiences. These marriages tend to be based on mutual respect, emotional maturity, and a deep understanding of one’s own wants and needs.

So, is there an ideal age to get married? The answer is nuanced and individualistic. There’s no magic number, no universal recipe, and no ‘perfect’ age to marry. The key lies in understanding your priorities, respecting your personal timeline, and embracing the unique journey that lies ahead.

Whether you’re a 20-year-old chasing dreams, a 30-year-old scaling mountains, or a 40-year-old rediscovering yourself, remember – the ideal age for marriage is when you find the partner who makes your heart flutter and fits into your future plans. Ultimately, the decision is yours, and whether you choose family now or later, there’s a vibrant community waiting to celebrate your journey at every stage.

Love marriage or arranged marriage? It’s the eternal debate, a heated tug-of-war that’s played out in bedrooms, living rooms, and dinner tables, generation after generation, across the globe. But before we declare one as the champion of marital bliss, let’s ditch the rose-tinted glasses and peek at the cold, hard truths.

(Success) Rate It

Which one is better? Scratch that, you must be tempted to ask which is best? Studies show that while arranged marriages have a higher initial success rate, love marriages do tend to have a higher long-term satisfaction rate. Not a shocker, right? Turns out, love isn’t a lifelong guarantee, and the right wellwisher’s matchmaking skills might just take you by surprise. So, it’s never really about the origin story, but the quality of the partnership itself.

Love marriages do boast a slight edge in the “till death do us part” department. Studies suggest they last a smidge longer. It could be attributed to how a couple builds their relationship on shared chemistry and understanding, instead of prioritising family compatibility. But arranged marriages have their fair share of long-lasting romances too. It’s all about nurturing that spark, regardless of its ignition source.

Divorces? Love The Arranged

The divorce statistics paint a more nuanced picture. Arranged marriages, especially in certain cultures, see lower divorce rates. Could be the strong family support system, the emphasis on compromise, or simply the societal commitment to long-term stability. Why? Because in love marriages, people do have the freedom to walk away if things get bumpy (and no family pressure to “make it work”).

Do note that even though arranged marriages might have a lower divorce rate initially, this gap shrinks over time. This also doesn’t mean that all love marriages are doomed. Open communication, shared values, and a healthy dose of ‘I do’s’ not just for each other, but to get through the inevitable rough patches– it simply means both partners choose to work harder.

Arranged, With Love: Advantages & Disadvantages of Arranged vs. Love Marriage

Arranged marriage is better than a love marriage in the sense that it lets you bypass dating anxieties and offers built-in family support for conflicts. You’ve a whole set of family mediators ready to chaperone your disagreements– for better or for worse! But they are a gamble on compatibility, not passion. Since you do also skip the crucial “getting to know your person” bit. Think of it as a surprise vacation– you might land in paradise, or you might find yourself sharing a bed with a stranger. The better news? Lower expectations from the start mean less room for disappointment. And when the honeymoon phase inevitably melts into the daily grind, the transition is swift.

In contrast, love marriages offer freedom, compatibility, and flexibility, letting you choose your partner based on shared ideas of life and break societal barriers. You know each other’s quirks and can set your own timelines. But beware: passion can blind, cultural clashes can sting, and family support can be scarce. Choose wisely, as

alone doesn’t guarantee a smooth ride in the long haul.

Beyond Binaries: The Art of “Arranged Introductions”

The binary of arranged versus love marriages often overlook a nuanced, modern-day alternative: Enter the “arranged introduction.’

This approach, pioneered by Vows For Eternity, harnesses the wisdom of family networks while fostering genuine connections before marriage. It allows two like-minded people to navigate the often-daunting task of finding a compatible partner with the benefit of shared values and familial support, all while avoiding the pitfalls of societal pressures and impulsive decisions. Think of it as a bridge between tradition and modern sensibilities– a fulfilling journey built on both reason and genuine connection. In this age of meticulously planned lives, why leave your love lives entirely to chance? Take the reins and embrace the guidance of relationship experts, your loved ones, and above all, your gut.

Introspection, not just Instagrammable proposals.

After all, shouldn’t finding a life partner be as thoughtfully planned as any other life-defining decision? Remember, it’s not about how you met, but how you grow together. Now, go forth, be bold, and write your own happily-ever-after, arranged or otherwise!

Starting anew, particularly after divorce or the loss of a partner, can feel like an uphill battle. It takes incredible strength to pick up the pieces, grieve, and rebuild one’s life. When you suddenly find yourself single again at an older age, it’s easy to wonder if love has passed you by. 

Many challenges arrive – doubting your desirability, dealing with legal hassles, or the complexities of co-parenting. Yet, time is the ultimate healer. It enables you to love again and approach the future with hope and curiosity.  

Sometimes, love arrives unexpectedly, sweeping us off our feet as hope whispers, ‘This is the one I want by my side, forever’. However, even when love knocks again, many are hesitant to let this newfound happiness in. We understand that contemplating a new marriage can seem daunting at first, but rest assured that a second chance can prove to be equally, if not more, fulfilling and rewarding than the first. 

Here’s why you should give marriage another chance- 

1. You’re wiser now

Let’s face it, the first time around, we’re all a little clueless. Your first attempt at a new recipe, the first sweater you knit, or that first shelf you tried to assemble – perfection isn’t typically the starting point, is it? 

We’re all trying to figure out what we want in life, what we want in a partner, and how to make it all work. But now that you’ve been through it once, you have a better idea of what you’re looking for in a partner and what it takes to make it work.

2. You have more experience

Experience is the best teacher, and you’ve got plenty of it. You’ve not only learned the ropes of relationship dynamics but also mastered the art of knowing what to do (and what not to) to create a thriving partnership. 

You’ve learned from your mistakes and have a better understanding of what it takes to build something special. These expectations and boundaries now become your roadmap, guiding you through the twists and turns, showing you the paths to steer clear of, and the ones worth exploring.

3. You’re more confident

Divorce can be a blow to your self-esteem, but as time goes on, you start to regain your confidence. You know that you can survive on your own, from something as mundane as filing tax returns to those spontaneous solo trips. With this newfound self-reliance, you’re no longer seeking another marriage out of dependency, but rather out of a genuine desire for love. This newfound confidence and self-reliance can make you more attractive to potential partners and help you build a stronger, healthier relationship.

4. You know what’s important

Following a divorce, you have a better understanding of what’s truly important in life. With re-assessed priorities, you know that while material possessions do seem attractive, it’s the little things and tender moments with your loved ones that bring more joy. The appeal of cosy Netflix evenings often surpasses that of superficial thrills, and you’re looking for a partner who shares these ideas and values.

5. You deserve to be happy 

At the end of the day, we all deserve to be happy. Just because your first marriage didn’t work out doesn’t mean that you’re destined to be alone. You have the right to find love again and to build a fulfilling life and a happy home. 

Remember, the past should never condemn one to a life of solitude. The future will certainly appear intimidating and shrouded in uncertainties, but such is the nature of life. Beyond the barriers of our own fears, we all deserve someone to share our joys and sorrows with – to love and to be loved in return. As Oscar Wilde once cheekily remarked, “Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience”. So embrace this hope in your heart, and savour the possibilities it brings.

Spoiler Alert: The world is a big, bad place. Rejection, especially in dating and love, really stings and depending on how we’re feeling about ourselves, the pain can linger for a bit. Yet, it’s an almost inevitable side effect of putting yourself out there. Feeling bad makes you as human as they come. It isn’t just a given in the experience but an essential skedaddle until you find someone who truly makes you happy. Here’s a little plan to deal with rejection that can help you grow from the experience of being turned down without feeling like your love life has been toppled upside down.

Date Like a Detective 

Think of every introduction as a quest for compatibility. Approach each date with the curiosity of a detective solving a case. You’re gathering clues, not trying to pass a test. This mindset shift can make rejection feel more like a puzzle piece that didn’t fit rather than a personal attack.

Evaluate Your Emotional State

Do you feel drained or unmotivated after going on back-to-back dates? Are you avoiding dating altogether due to feeling overwhelmed or burnt out? Are you quick to dismiss a connection by focusing on their flaws? If yes, take a raincheck and look at the larger picture.

Accept the Awkwardness 

Go on dates only when you feel the social battery in you to be fully present or engaged. Instead of running from it, embrace the awkwardness– laugh at yourself, share embarrassing stories, and you’ll find that rejection loses its sting when you’re having fun along the way.

Keep a Dating Diary

Sounds deranged for any adult? We know. But if you jot down your experiences, what you learned, and how you felt, you could use it to track patterns, discover what works for you, what doesn’t, and identify areas for improvement. It’s like creating your own dating instruction manual; with each entry, you become wiser and more resilient.

Stir The Pot

Do you find yourself choosing the same place over and over for an IRL date? Or reaching out for the same shirt in your closet? It could be a coping mechanism to blame it on your ‘date spot’ or ‘date outfit’ in case things go awry. Show excitement in planning interesting or unique dates, switch up your presentation, and it might all be well worth the chance!

Flip the Script

Be mindful when you’re believing anxious assumptions. Most often, they are not our most accurate representations. Are you able to show up as your authentic self? Think more about the whys or why-nots when you wish to take conversations forward with potential connections.

Instead of fearing rejection, celebrate it! Each no or maybe or uh-huh or even ‘will I ever see you again?’ is a stepping stone towards the right person. It’s a reminder that you’re taking risks, learning and being quite brave through a vulnerability maze. Bonus points for embracing the journey with a sense of adventure.

Matchmaking in India has a rich history that reflects the country’s deep-rooted cultural values and traditions. Over time, the process of finding a life partner has undergone significant changes, with the rise of technology and changing social values contributing to its evolution. From ancient India to the present age of modernity and technology, marriage has still maintained its sacred element. Be it ancient swayamwars of the past or the right swiping of today, marriage is still taken very seriously, with emphasis placed on finding a partner who truly fits the family structure. 

In traditional matchmaking, community matchmakers were responsible for finding suitable matches for eligible bachelors and bachelorettes. These matchmakers would often be women in the community who came together and used their knowledge of various families and their social standing to match individuals based on caste, religion, and family status. Once both families approved the match, the marriage would go ahead. The process of putting names in temples seeking divine intervention for finding a life partner is still prevalent in some parts of India. 

Arranged marriages have been an integral part of Indian culture, where a union of two souls was given a divine and sacred status. In arranged marriages, the family members of the bride and groom take on the responsibility of finding a match, basing their decision on factors such as caste, religion, family status, education, and job prospects. Although the process of arranged marriage is still widely practised, the process has become more formalised over the years. Gradually, parents would present a bunch of choices to their children who had an increased autonomy and a right to choose their partner, even under the arranged marriage structure. In the era before the rise of digital technology, matrimonial ads in the newspapers played a significant role in the arranged marriage landscape. Due to limited space, the ads were condensed into a couple of words describing the seeker and a few words for the groom or bride they are looking for. As the two identities were reduced to a few impressive and carefully chosen keywords, the essence of love and compatibility was lost between age, height, caste, profession, and complexion. 

As the country modernised, the advent of technology and the internet revolutionised the concept of matchmaking in India. Online matrimonial websites became increasingly popular due to their convenience – this ensured a wider range of options as matches were no longer limited to recommendations from neighbours, acquaintances, and relatives. These websites provided a platform for individuals to create a profile, search for suitable matches, and communicate with potential partners. However, in the quest for convenience, the essence of finding a soulmate can sometimes be lost. Marriage is not just a union of two families or two biodates, but of two seekers of love who are going to build a life together. An increased reliance on algorithms and filters fails to incorporate any soul or passion into the search. 

In the realm of modern marriages, it’s imperative to ensure that the soul is never lost, and that the process of finding one’s life partner never becomes mechanised. When two people choose to spend their lives together, in sickness and in health, it’s a promise that transcends all the confinements of age, height, complexion and salary that archaic marital conventions had compartmentalised them in. It necessitates a complete submission to love, a profound faith in our own ideals, an unwavering trust in destiny, and a bespoke search for the right person in the right place.

They say life is at its most difficult when you are hitting 50! You are usually a full-time parent or spouse and you are reaching the last decade or two of a hopefully well-established career.  Life should feel full if you are also in a place where you feel you have a good social life, can afford a nice holiday once in a while, and are getting to the milestones you set out for yourself when you were 20. Is there a problem then?

I have not lived with either my parents or my in-laws for longer than 6-8 weeks since I have been married. The idea intimidates me. I feel that while I happily sustain the arrangement over a finite period, my marriage would weigh down by the pressure of parental influence over the long term. I truly hope I am both wrong and paranoid. I must add that no parent has shown any interest in living with us either!

Couples that fall in this group that feel they need to start parenting the parents is ever increasing. Living oceans away from them never helps the situation. Discussions with friends and family living in the same moment always portray similar fears, yet so many times I feel that we don’t discuss the subject enough. It’s almost as if brushed under the carpet, it will stay hidden.

We look to our parents for support all the time. When we are young, they help educate us, support us through getting married, understand our grievances with spouses and in-laws, and even happily offer childcare when we need it. They encourage us through our careers and guide us through panic, so why are we afraid when it is our time to give back? Is the guilt and responsibility we feel warranted? When the septuagenarian now share opinions, we don’t necessarily have the patience or make the time to lend them our ear.  As we evolve, age and experiences have also brought us to that point where they need our opinions, ideas, and advice more than we need theirs, and the realisation always comes as a curveball to us as much as it does to them.

This role reversal, accompanied by our distance away from them, is usually a very solemn discussion with my husband. He has been suggesting in the last year that we need to think about and plan how we hope to deal with the parents aging, their travel, and care, while we continue to bring up two adolescent children miles away. We also then wonder what values we are inculcating in these kids, are we setting the “right” example when we don’t fully partake in the responsibility and care of our parents?

Speaking to a friend a while back about aging parents, marriage, and how we deal with these issues as a couple, she described her situation. She said her father was hitting 80, and unwell, and as a family, they may need to consider moving him to a care home with easy access for her mother and siblings. She said there was no dignity for him being cared for by one of his children. He would rather have someone young, energetic, and professional cleaning his bum than suffer the indignity of one of his children doing it!

Indian parents, who have experienced being carers for their parents and in-laws don’t quite see it the same way. They want to be surrounded by the love, care, and hustle and bustle of people in a household that keep them both young and involved in their home and they are far from wrong. Social pressures and a lack of good medical and care environments have never seen the care industry thrive in India. Help and care for those that can afford to have individual carers in their home has also not created a demand and market for care homes. The guilt of not looking after your parents personally is compounded by various family members throwing it in your face at regular intervals too, though I feel this is decreasing with time and understanding.

As a couple that has been married for close to two decades, can our marriage withstand the change of letting our parents back into our lives? If one set of parents requires help more than the other, is that unfair to the relevant spouse? Will the bickering over the new normal make the marriage uncomfortable? How will we deal with it, and surely our parents will have their own opinion and point of view. After all, the parents’ lives will see equal change, a loss of well-established independence and they will have to deal with the constant sound of our voices, something they are just not used to anymore.

Would my dad prefer someone young, energetic, and professional cleaning his bum when he can’t do so himself, I am quite sure the answer to that is YES, but how will he feel when summer arrives and he has no one to chit-chat with as he watches Wimbledon on TV.